Waiter: I’m glad you enjoyed your dinner. How did you find the steak?
Me: Super easy. It was right next to the potatoes.
They really should have predicted the fall of Communism sooner.
After all, there were plenty of red flags.
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile, he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass……… It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"
I was thinking about the first time machine I ever built.
Ahhh, it takes me back.
A girl asked me if I had a foot fetish. I said no.
I use the metric system.
[On the highway] My wife: Hey, you missed a right!
Me: Thanks babe. You Mrs. Right!
My wife: I’m leaving you because of your obsession with Star Wars
Me: May divorce be with you
What does Donald Trumps hair have in common with a thong?
They both barely cover the asshole
If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone.
In fact, she’d wipe the floor with them.
The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene: Where did you get it? Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy. The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
“Won’t you kiss me, doctor”, asks a beautiful woman.
"No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor. "Please, just one kiss," begs the woman. "It's completely out of question," he goes on. "I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."
Are you today’s date?
Because you're 10/10.
I used to live on the 13th floor but have just moved up to the 14th.
But that’s another storey.
The Queen just knighted the first cow in history.
He is Sirloin.
How Long Is A Chinese Name
No, seriously, it is.
I once had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
A man dies and goes to hell.
Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one. At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?" "Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are talking. Harry says, “Ron, I’m gay.”
"Are you fucking serious?!" asks Ron. "Yeah…that too," says Harry.
Communism jokes aren’t funny
Unless everyone gets them
You know, I really do love bad puns.
It’s just how eye roll.
I’m thinking about starting a company to provide Wi-Fi in public swimming areas..
I'm going to call it IP in Pools
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.
Dear posters of r/Jokes, could you try to be a bit more original?
My friends are really tired of hearing the same jokes over and over again.
Roses are black, violets are black
I suck at gardening
Officer: “I’m sorry to say this sir, but it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck.”
Man: "Yeah… But she's got a great personality!"
I like my women how I like my Coronavirus
19 and easy to spread
I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home all the signs were there.