“Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
Waitress: [slaps me a good one across the face] …“The men I please are none of your damn business!”
I’m in a time traveling rock band
It's called AD/BC
A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store
He bought some whiskey, and tequila When he got home, he set them on the table His son immediately picked up both bottles The dad asks "What are you doing?!" The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"
The joys of a “custom” CMS…
If I never have to deal with another “custom CMS” ever again, it’ll be too soon… The latest one that’s been inflicted upon me, inspired me to make this meme:https://ift.tt/3fAGfuV
To the man who stole my camouflage jacket in the wheelchair
You can hide but you can’t run
What’s the difference between In-Laws and Outlaws
Outlaws are wanted.
Someone broke into my house and stole my limbo stick…
How low can you go?
I entered 10 jokes in a pun contest hoping at least one would win.
No pun in ten did.
Post Malone has canceled his tour.
Does this now make him Postpone Malone?
I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon today.
I'll let you know…
A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.
A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him. He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it. The movie starts and pretty soon there's a funny part. The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter. In a little while there's a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping. This continues throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog is astounded. When the lights come up he taps the dog's owner on the shoulder and tells him, "I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie." The dog owner looks at the dog and nods. "I know, it really is weird," he says, "because he absolutely hated the book."
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I use to be addicted to tide pods.
But I'm clean now.
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas!
What does a wife and a handgrenade have in common?
If you pull the ring, your house is gone.
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn’t last long for fat people.
I’ve always had an irrational fear of speed bumps.
But I'm slowly getting over it.
I just realized, this sub doesn’t inherently make fun of boomer humor, it just compiles it.
Some boomer humor is actually good, some is wholeheartedly trash, but both sides of the spectrum exist, and both can be enjoyed.
Dad Joke of the Century
Operator: 911, what's your emergency? Dad: My wife's going into labor, and I don't know what to do. Operator: Is this her first born? Dad: No, this is her husband
Scientists pinpoint the initial cross-species transmission episode back to 1992
https://ift.tt/3aJJm0B
I was attacked by 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me.
I have a bunch of jokes about people who are unemployed.
But none of them work.
A man with 5 legs put on pants
They fit like a glove
Mality, Mality, Mality, Mality.
Now that we’ve got the four malities out the way, we can begin.
A beautiful blond woman was driving down a curvy back country road in her pink Cadillac.
As she comes around a corner, she sees an extremely large rabbit lying dead in the middle of the road. It looked to be about three feet tall. The rabbit had a blue and pink vest on. On the ground next to the bunny was a large wicker basket, and strewn about the road was an abundance of candy, small simple toys, and colorful eggs. She exited her Cadillac to take a closer look. A moment later an older man driving a red pickup truck pulled up behind her Cadillac. He was wearing overalls and muddied work boots, and had the look of a farmer. He noticed the woman's car had stickers on it for a famous cosmetics company, and true to that profession, her hair and makeup were exquisitely done. He walked up next to her to see what the issue was, took in the scene, and started sputtering, jaw agape. "Is that… is that… that can't be…" The woman's eyes narrowed, and her face set with a look of determination . She went to the back of her car, opened the trunk, and then walked up to the dead rabbit carrying an aerosol can. She liberally doused the bunny with the contents of the can, then hesitantly stepped back. After a few moments, the bunny leapt to its feet. It quickly gathered all the candy, eggs, and toys into its basket. It then hopped about ten feet down the road, turned, and waived. It then hopped another ten feet, turned, and waived. And again, and again, until after several minutes it had disappeared behind a hill. The farmer, having watched it all, turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, just exactly what was in that can?" The woman just silently handed the can to him. He took it and read the label. "Hair Spray. Brings new life to hair. Adds permanent wave."
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear Sir, We have terminated your internet service due to illegal copyright violation practices. Sincerely, Your ISP
I’m frightened of elevators
I’m taking steps to avoid them now
What did they find under Michael Jackson’s pillow?
Billy's Jeans
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck
They end up on a deserted island. After a few weeks, the man is feeling very lonely and starts looking at the goat in a new light. One day he tries to have his way with it but the dog growls and scares him off. He goes to sleep unsatisfied. The next day he tries again, but the dog is there, growling and threatening to attack if the man gets too close to the goat. The man grows frustrated. One day, he sees a ship foundering off the coast. He is able to save someone from drowning. He gets them to shore and discovers it’s a beautiful woman. She comes to and says “Wow, you saved my life. I’ll do anything to thank you. Anything.” The man can’t believe his luck. He looks at her and his mind reels with the possibilities. “Would you mind holding this dog for a minute?”
Guess who stopped smoking this morning?
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi
6:30 is my favorite time of the day
Hands down
I met this girl at the vegan restaurant who said she knew me.
But I never met herbivore.