Waking up this morning was really eye-opening experience.
No text found
A mom was cleaning her twelve-year-old son’s bedroom.
Under the bed she found some serious bondage gear and other fetish material. Horrified, she asks the dad what should they do with him. Dad:"Well I'm no expert but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
It was a difficult conversation telling my son to call me dad instead of mom now
But I wanted to be transparent.
My girlfriend keeps accusing me of being a cheater
She's starting to sound like my wife
What do you call a communist sniper?
A Marx-man
Whenever a homeless person asks me for money, I admit my first thought is always, “This money’s just going to get spent on booze or drugs.”
That's why I always give it to the homeless person instead.
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
Did you know 2×10 is same as 2×11 ?
One is twenty and other is twenty too.
Downloaded a pirated copy of the Bohemian Rhapsody. Quality is really bad though. Low res. Dark. Blurry.
I see a little silhouetto of a man.
A priest, an alcoholic, and a child molester walk into a bar…
And that's just the first guy.
What do you call a female rapper?
38.5 Cent
Balls..
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah, Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A real delicacy!" The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy." The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."
If you get into a pillow fight with death…
Be prepared for the reaper cushions.
What do you call a bigoted fashion designer?
Clothes-minded.
My chemistry teacher asked me :
Teacher: What’s the monomer of rubber? Me: Is it monobber?
A blind woman told me I had a big dick
She was just pulling my leg.
Had a chick pull a knife out on me and tried to cut my dick off…
She missed and stabbed me in the thigh. She was later charged with a misdaweiner.
My boyfriend asked me why I like showering in boiling hot water
I told him a snack tastes better cooked.
I just finished designing a website for an orphanage
There isn't a home page
Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
My dyslexia teacher stole my Volkswagen Golf.
What a stupid old gti.
Once there were four business men. They were sitting on a bench in a hospital waiting room because their wives were having babies.
A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had a baby." The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the president of And1!" The nurse goes away. Then the nurse comes back and says to the second businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!" The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the owner of the Minnesota Twins!" The nurse goes away. The nurse comes back and says to the third businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had triplets!" The man says, "What a coincidence! I work for Triple Crown!" The nurse goes away. The nurse comes back and sees the fourth businessman alone on the bench crying. She asks, "Why are you crying"? The man replies, "I work for Seven Up."
Dad, I feel fat and ugly… Give me a compliment…
Dad: You have good eyesight !
Genders are just like the twin towers…
There used to be two, but now its a sensitive subject.
Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars. Her: Do you win many races? Me: No, the cars are much faster.
Someone asked where I saw myself in two years…
How should I know. It’s not like I have 2020 vision.
My wife sent me an article that says men’s beards have more germs than dogs.
I said of course. There are no dogs in my beard. https://imgur.com/B7mUpUc
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop anytime.
What color is the wind??
Blew!
Why did the sperm cross the road
I put on the wrong sock this morning.
People who can’t stop buying full length mirrors…
…need to take a good long look at themselves.
I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions say remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.
Why is Princess Zelda the most fashionable person in Hyrule?
Because she's really Sheik.
Genie: “What’s your first wish?”
Steve: "I wish I was rich." Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
I can’t believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician…
I was just sitting around doing nothing.