Waking up this morning was really eye-opening experience.
No text found
My dumbass son thinks there’s the letter F is in the word ‘way’
There’s no F in way.
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one.
A friend of mine has just got a job as a director at Macdonalds farm.
He's been made the CIEIO
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games. I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” He considered that for a moment before replying…
"Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
I almost got caught stealing a board game today…
But it was a Risk I was willing to take…
A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer are sentenced to due by guillotine
The lawyer is to first. He lays his head down, the lever is pulled… But nothing happened. He argues that he can't receive two death penalties, so he is let go. Next, the priest lays his head down, the lever is pulled, and the same thing happens. He claims that he was clearly saved by God, so he is let go. Finally, the engineer lays his head down, looks up at the blade and says, "oh, I see your problem"
What is E.T. short for?
Cause he has little legs!
After landing myself in jail I spent the first 4 hours getting ass fucked senseless…
I think my uncle takes playing monopoly far too seriously!!!
The Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life!”
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.Those who understand binary and those who dont.
https://ift.tt/37g9Ztt
What turns “No, no, no” into “Mmmmmmm”?
Duct tape.
I went to a restaurant…
It was full; no place to sit… I took out my mobile, placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro, come fast, she's here with someone else". Six couples ran away..
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are seeing a marriage counselor… counselor ask’s Mickey, “let me get this straight – you want a divorce because you say Minnie is silly?”
To which Mickey responds “no, I said she was FUCKING GOOFY”
…
My life…
A blonde goes to work in tears.
She says, "My mom died." He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!” The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!” The anti-vaxxer does nothing. She collapsed and died from polio.
I saw a bird with a really big beak holding a chessboard
I said toucan play that game.
Because of my dyslexia, sometimes I get lost when I use public transportation.
Oops sorry. Wrong bus.
What do you call a constipated detective?
No shit Sherlock
20 minutes into Disney+ and chill…
and I've already got a friend in me.
I was watching porn with my wife and she complained, “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.” “Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
One cow asks another cow, “Are you afraid of mad cow disease?”
The other cow says, “Why should I be? I’m a helicopter.”
The wife of a wealthy business man calls their butler into her bedroom while her husband is away on a trip for work
"Jeeves," she says at once, "take off my dress." "Yes madam!" He replies, unbuttoning the top of her dress and watching it fall to the floor. "Now, I want you to take off my bra." "Oh, yes ma'am!" replies Jeeves, unhooking the front clasp of the fancy lace bra and throwing it carelessly to the side. "And Jeeves, remove my panties." "Yes ma'am!" replies the butler as he slides the black silk thong onto the floor. "Now Jeeves," says the woman, "the next time I catch you wearing my clothes you're fired!"
My dad´s always complaining about the cost of things…
"€1.50 for a coffee? €3.75 for a miserable ham sandwich?" Honestly, he was moaning about it all afternoon. That´s the last time I invite him over to my house.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me
My daughter asked me what the opposite of isolate is.
I told her yousoearly
Who is a famous Explorer from the past that has been largely forgotten?
Internet Explorer.
Why did the condom fly accross the room?
It was pissed off…
Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler’s outbursts a “temper tantrum.”
They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
He conditioned it.