Walking Phoenix
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism!
You can drop an ant in water to determine its sex
If the ant sinks – girl ant If the ant floats – boy ant
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, "Think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's." Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds.
A priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank
The rabbit says, "I'm a type O."
How did Jesus pay for our sins
He used praypal
A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man. “Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except a…” said the old man, and then he stopped. “Except what?” asked the businessman. “Nothing, nothing,” said the old man. “C’mon, tell me! I need something!” protested the businessman.“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘voodoo dildo,’” the old man said. “The voodoo dildo?” the businessman asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, “Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!” The old man said, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.” He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo dildo, the door.” The voodoo dildo rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, “Voodoo dildo, box!” The voodoo dildo stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, motionless. The businessman said, “I’ll take it!” The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, “Voodoo dildo, my pussy.” He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone. After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dildo. She lay down, placed the box between her legs, and said “Voodoo dildo, my pussy!” The voodoo dildo shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off! So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn’t been drinking, but that a voodoo dildo was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn’t stop screwing her. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, “Yeah, right. Voodoo dildo, my ass!"
So I texted my crush and asked her, “Are you an ancient artifact,”
“Because I want to date you.”
Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?
No Son, have you seen my dadglasses?
I recently found out I was colorblind
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple 😀
Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71. Sorry guys.
I walked into a bank, pointed a long, thin piece of wood at the ceiling and shouted…
"This is a stick up!"
If I dont perfect human cloning..
I won't be able to live with myself.
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left
If a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it
It means my illegal logging business is a success
My Dad really messed up his wrists dragging his car from England to France.
He got car-pull-tunnel syndrome.
Sometimes I touch my knees to my chest and lean forward,
That’s just how I roll.
A good romance starts with a foundation of trust and friendship.
A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la
My wife and I got in a big argument over how she wanted to give birth.
It was our first midwife crisis.
Apparently nobody knows why Notre Dame caught fire….
…but Quasimodo has a hunch.
I am Barby girl in a Barby wooorld, life in plastic is fantastic!
I am Barby girl in a Barby wooorld, life in plastic is fantastic!
What is E.T. short for?
Cause he has little legs!
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight
There would be a mass confusion
Why do keyboards never sleep?
Because they have 2 Shifts…
My wife gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever
If the new SONY car ever breaksdown
You'll have to Walkman.
What do you call 52 pieces of bread?
A deck of carbs.
If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on
I would be like… how did I get all these fucking nickels??
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
As a lumberjack i know i have cut down 2,718 trees.
Because every time I cut one down I keep a log.
A Chinese guy and an Englishman walk into a bar.
Over the next hour, the Englishman drinks a lot of alcohol and goes out of control. He begins to scream cuss words and annoy everyone in the bar. Just as the bartender is planning to throw him out, the Chinese guy says, "Hi, sorry for bad English"
When the kids came back from recess, the teacher announced a pop spelling quiz…
"Pop spelling quiz, class!" She said, and called on little Johnny. "What did you do during recess, Johnny?" Asked the teacher. Johnny replied "I played in the sandbox with Suzy and Leroy" "Ok, spell 'sand' and you will get a cookie!" Says the teacher. Johnny spells it correctly and gets his cookie. "And what did you do on recess, Suzy?" Suzy replied that she played in the sandbox with Johnny and Leroy. "Spell 'box' and you will get a cookie." Says the teacher. Suzy correctly spelled box and got her cookie. "Leroy, what did you do during recess?" The teacher asked. He replied, with tears in his eyes "Well, I tried to play in the sandbox with Johnny and Suzy, but they just threw rocks at me and called me a N$%%ER!" The teacher looked at Leroy and said "Well my goodness! That sounds like blatant racial discrimination!" "So, Leroy, spell 'blatant racial discrimination' and you'll get a cookie!"
How would you spot a blind man at a nude beach?
It's not hard
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.
They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”
My new girlfriend is so needy…
She keeps making demands like, "Untie me! Tell me who you are!"