walks out with a medium roast coffee
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Two jumper cables walk into a bar
The bartender goes, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"
A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee.
The man take a sip and spits it out. He turns to the waiter and says, "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the man and says, "But sir, it's fresh ground!"
Hey girl are you HTTP?
Because you're really insecure
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
She starts fitting into your wifeâs clothes.
Sometimes I wonder what my parents did for fun before the internet.
I asked my 32 brothers and sisters, but they didn't know either.
I’m an American, and I’m sick of people saying, âAmerica is the stupidest country in the world.â
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
Democratic Socialism isn’t “free stuff”. It is getting services for your tax dollars.
https://ift.tt/2H6meMP
I just lost my mood ring
I canât tell you how I feel about it
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary…
Well the jokes on them â theyâre imaginary too…
My GF left me once I stopped taking her to seafood restaurants
Turns out she was only with me for my mussels
I thought there might be a verse or something I didn’t know about…
I thought there might be a verse or something I didn’t know about…
My son told me my grammar was good.
He meant well.
A man made a mistake in an elevator.
He was wrong on many levels.
A guy visits a carnival and amongst the merry-go-rounds, vendors and performers he spots a man with a tiny pony.
He walks up to the man and asks: "What's with the pony?" "For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it" the man replies. "That's cool" the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony. He extends his hand and says "Shake!" The pony promptly performs the trick. The man produces another dollar. "Play dead!" The pony collapses to the ground, then gets up after a little while. "How about a tougher one?" the man says and puts another dollar in the jar. "What's eleven minus five?" The pony stomps with a hoove six times. "This is incredible" he exclaims. The guy continues to add dollar after dollar to the jar while the pony performs every trick or task without a fault. After a while the guy runs out of single dollar bills and turns to the man and says: "Sir, that is one incredible animal you have there, is there anything it can't do?" "He can't sing" the man replies. The guy considers this for a bit. "Why can't he sing" the guy asks. The man looks him in the eye. "He's a little horse."
Weinstein didnât kill himself
Sorry just practicing
My son and I were fishing and He said to me, âi used to know a guy with a wooden leg named Smithâ.
I replied, âfunny, what was the name of his other legâ.
What would you get if a dinosaur kicked you in the backside?
A mega sore ass.
A husband notices his wifeâs hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.
âI canât speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old ageâ he says to the doc. âThereâs a simple trick you can try to determine her hearingâ explains the doctor. âSimply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesnât hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she doesâ. That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, âwhat a perfect opportunity to test her hearingâ. He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks; âWhatâs for dinner honey?â No answer. He moves closer. âWhatâs for dinner honey?â Still no answer. He moves even closer. âWhatâs for dinner honey?â Still his wife doesnât answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife. âWhatâs for dinner honey?â âFOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WEâRE HAVING CHICKENâ
I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandads dick last night…
I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?
Apparently, Iâm in the secret service.
Been so many years and nobody told me.
I adopted a dog from a blacksmith today..
First thing he did when i got him home was make a bolt for the door.
I once told a joke…
… about Chinese people and the Corona Virus. An overly sensitive and overweight female co-worker said that just because I'm Asian, doesn't mean that the joke wasn't racist… I asked her, "So if i tell a race joke, does it mean I'm a racist?" She responded, "Yes, telling a joke based on a race makes you a racist!" I then asked, "What if i told a fat joke? Would that make me a fatist?" She thought for a while before replying… "Well, yes… that would make you a fatist…" I looked at her and replied, "No, you're the fattest!"
Why do religious people not like trigonometry
Cos it's a sin.
Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calendar?
They both got 6 months. P.S this is my first ever post! Please be nive
If Harry decided to take up painting now heâs stepped back from the royal family…
…he would be the artist formerly known as Prince.
The blowjob confession.
A Catholic man is waiting in a practically empty church to give confession when the priest jumps out of the booth and tells him he has to go to the bathroom and asks him if he can take over. There is a cheat sheet on Hail Marys and Our Fathers for each of the sins and all he has to do is read them off. The man agrees and takes a few confessions reading off the list when a woman comes in and says she has cheated on her husband and given a blowjob to another man. He searches the list and canât find the penance for a blowjob. He pops out of the confessional and asks an alter boy âquick, what does the priest give for a blowjob?â The Alter boy says â2 candy bars and a coke.
I thought I could score higher if I stuck to textbooks, I’ll know soon if I was wrong
https://ift.tt/2TPHZqL
TIL that before the crowbar was inventedâŚ
…most crows drank at home.
I wasnât close to my father when he died
Which was a good thing, because he stepped on a land mine
My wife is like a newspaper…
there is a new issue every single day.