But China got it right off the bat.
His wife protests:"Why all the same color, people will think I dont change my panties." Husband asks:"Which people?"
A robber enters a bank, he pulls out a gun, and he shouts: “Everyone on the ground. This is a robbery!”. Immediately, everyone in the bank drops down with their hands on their heads except for one man reading a newspaper.
The man lowers his newspaper and begins to stare at the robber with an amused look on his face. It makes the robber angry, so he walks towards the man, puts the gun to his face, and asks him: "what so funny, ha? You want to get shot?". The man's amused look turns into a smile as he answers the robber back: "You are joking right?". The robber, bursting with anger, places the gun one inch away from the man's face and says: "Say that again. I dare you". The man, who was previously completely relaxed, is now getting a bit worried. He lowers his newspaper further and says: "No, really. You are not serious, are you?". The robber sticks the gun into the man's forehead and threatens with a more serious tone: "One more word and I swear I am pulling the trigger". The man, no longer showing the slightest hint of amusement, says: "Look, there is a first time to everything, but this is unbelievable. Do you really have any idea of what you are doing?". "that is it!" the robber snaps. "I have a gun, you are unarmed, everybody else is scared to death, and there are zero guards in here! Don't you understand the situation? I completely got this under control!". At this point, the man puts down his newspaper with an honest, concerned look on his face. He looks the robber in the eye and says: "Dude, this is a blood bank".
The rotation of the earth
If I would get to be the dad of a son, I'd name him Jason so on the moment of his birth I can get up and shout: "Jesus Christ, it's Jason, born!"
Acquaintance: Why the hell is he called Mayo? He’s not even white! Mayo: [neighs]
But I know they won't work.
After a while, the son turned to his dad and said "Hey Dad, why can't we just use a sponge ?"
They can't keep a straight face
The distributive property.
It runs in my jeans.
…now I sneak out of parties to go home.
The catapult worked well
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard
Last time I was on a flight, the stewardess approached me and asked, “Sir, would you care for a drink?”
I asked her, “what are my options?” She said, “yes or no.”
There would be mass confusion!
You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift.
Because it was feeling crumby! (Blatant cake joke for karma! LOL)
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B
When I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson, he looked quizzically at me and said, “But your name is Brian…”
I exclaimed, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson!"
Trump in a low whisper to his chief of staff: “I thought I paid that bill already.”
Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?
Trust me, the difference is apparent.
I take something for it.
I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.