Wanna get away?
What’s the difference between acne and a priest?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punch line becomes a-parent
This blu-ray I bought said the main event would be David vs. Daniel.
However, the screen only said DVD.
Dad, what does doubting mean?
Son: Dad, what does doubting mean? Dad: Hmmm… I'll give you a practical example: who do you love more? Daddy or Mommy? Son: answers without hesitation Mommy Dad: ಠ_ಠ Then go ask her! She will explain! Don't bother me I aint got no time to waste!
What’s the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl?
One shoots and shoots and never hits, and the other hoots and hoots and never shits.
Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person
"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945
I once challenged an amputee to a swordfight
But he came unarmed :/
Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler’s outbursts a “temper tantrum.”
They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"
Relatable.
Relatable.
If abortion is such a mature subject,
why does it bring out people's inner child?
How many germans do you need to change a lightbulb?
One, we are very efficient and not funny
I finally watched Doctor Who.
It was about time.
Two men, Jim and John, are walking their dogs when they pass by a restaurant.
“Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggests. “We can’t,” responds John. “Don’t you see the sign says No Pets Allowed?” “Oh, that sign?” says Jim. “Don’t worry about it.” Taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walks up to the door. As he tries walking into the restaurant, the host says, “Sorry, no pets allowed.” “Can’t you see?” says Jim. “I am blind. This is my Seeing Eye dog.” “But it’s a Doberman pinscher. Who uses a Doberman pinscher as a Seeing Eye dog?” the host asks. “Oh,” Jim responds, “you must not have heard. This is the latest type of Seeing Eye dog. They do a very good job.” Seeing that it worked, John tries walking in with his Chihuahua. Even before he can open his mouth, the host says, “Don’t tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of Seeing Eye dog.” John responds angrily, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”
My friend’s girlfriend dumped him and is telling everyone he has a small penis.
He claims he wasn’t that much into her anyways.
If you’re struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas (or any other special occasion)
Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it
My construction company failed after a competitor started a viscous rumor that I build houses without a foundation
It was a baseless accusation
If a king farts…
Is it a noble gas?
What chemical element is symbolized by the letters Ah?
The element of surprise!
Why did the Mexican take Xanax ?
For Hispanic attacks
Poop jokes aren’t my favorite kind of jokes.
But they are a solid number two.
Looking for a b’day card in a card bin we have, came across this gem my mom had saved…
https://ift.tt/3aphdfm
If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet
Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle ♻
Why shouldn’t you ever fight a dinosaur?
Because you’ll get Jurass kicked..
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven't heard from him since.
Why is dark spelt with a k and not a c ?
Because you can’t C in the dark
My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.
There’s only a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will understand this.
LPT : If you ever get locked out of your house,
Talk to your lock calmly because communication is key.
I had some delicious honey on my toast this morning.
Later as I walked past the hive where it came from I said "Thank you bees for making the best honey in the world." A few shouted back "It's good but we wouldn't say it was the best honey in the world." Oh I thought, they must be humble bees.
What do you call a small mother ?
A minimum