Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A white horse fell in the mud
The girl I just started dating told me she is Russian
I told her I think we should take things slowly
My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.
In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel. As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel… you know how to fish."
Why did the pig cross the road?
Because the chicken told him to teargas protestors for a photo-op
Always like this
Always like this
I once knew a dyslexic, agnostic, paranoid insomniac.
He'd lie awake at night wondering if there's a dog.
What is the difference between a Joe Biden speech and a Donald Trump speech?
When Biden is speaking you wonder if he's had a stroke. When Trump is speaking you wonder if you've had a stroke.
Went to the swimming pool the other day and desperately need to pee so just peed in the pool
Got such a fright when the lifeguard blew his whistle that I nearly fell in..
A man walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing
"What are you doing?" He asked. "I'm off to New York," she replies. "I hear prostitutes get paid $400 doing what I do to you for free." The husband begins packing his bags. "What are you doing?" asked the wife. "I'm coming with you," he said. "I wanna see how you live off $800 a year."
An American, a Canadian, a young attractive woman and an old lady were on a train
As they went through a tunnel and it became too dark to see and a loud SMACK could be heard. As the train exited the tunnel everyone looked at the American and saw he had a bright red cheek. The old lady thought to herself "I bet that American grabbed that young woman and she smacked him for it." The young attractive woman thought "I bet that American grabbed that old lady thinking it was me and she smacked him for it." The American thinks to himself "I bet that Canadian grabbed that young attractive woman and she smacked me thinking it was me." And the Canadian thinks to himself "I hope we go through another tunnel so I can smack the American again."
Is it okay to peek into your neighbor’s house if you are still technically in your own property?
Personally I’m on the fence.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson
If the Queen of England farts during dinner, the rest of the guests must pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction.
An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.
When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise! The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home. The official laughed and let him through. When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust. Grandson: Who is that? Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say "Who is that?" say "What is that?" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself…
I really need to wash some mugs.
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when they’re standing too.
I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA…
For my black Jeep.
My friend told me not to drink from the wall.
I knew he meant well.
People asked me to stop naming Bruce Willis movies…
But you know what they say, old habits pulp fiction.
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman.
The General replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and General went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the General and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956…" The General looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
Baby gender reveal at my family reunion
My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people. One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally. Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?” My brother replies, “Yeah. Liana Noelle.” Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is. Then after a moment I shout, “How the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?”
Wtf is an acronym.
No text found
Putin visits Estonia
Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves
No text found
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went
Then……. it dawned on me
How does Harry Potter get down hill?
Walking! JK Rolling!
Why do ducks make great detectives?
They always quack the case.
There’s a little-known legend about Attila the Hun…
The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign. But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet. Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins. Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet. But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed. Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, “Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me.” Curious, Attila did as he asked. Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila. “Now hold these in both hands,” he instructed. Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole. To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said, “Thy anaconda don’t want nun unless you’ve got buns, Hun.”
Today a girl kissed me…
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
Cop: Sit on that chair,so we can interrogate you.
Lawyer : (whispering) Deny everything. Me : This isn't a chair.
What do you call a pregnant woman?
A bodybuilder
My favorite part of the bible is when God gives everyone free will…
..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them.