Wanna hear a joke about short term memory loss?

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there isn’t something trying to kill you…

School.

How did the scarecrow win an award without moving?

He was out standing in his field 👨🏻‍🌾

How bad can you get, Instagram meme Pages?

A Man Was Driving Down the Road & Ran out of PETROL…

A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window. “What seems to be the problem?” asked the bee. “I’m out of petrol,” the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. ”Try it now,” said the bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. “Wow,” the man exclaimed. “What did you put in my petrol tank?” “BP,” answered the bee.

My type of sarcasm 😎

When my wife asked why I had a band-aid on my finger, I told her I got into an argument with a knife.

It had a better point.

What’s a snail on a boat?

A snailor

When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.

When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."

I love jokes about monorails.

Those are my favourite one liners.

Killed by the other panels

I had my picture taken with the band R.E.M. once…

That's me in the corner.

What did one plate say to the other plate?

Dinner is on me

Depression

Yearbook puns.

If you can guess the number inside this post, I’ll give you $1,000,000! (hint: it’s between 3 and 5)

4.29784569834593847593845938745 Awww… so close!

What do clouds wear under their shorts?

Thunderpants!

A Boss for all seasons

Ngl

https://ift.tt/2QySMEW

Communist jokes aren’t funny

Unless everyone gets it

haha java bad python good

https://ift.tt/2yibLgh

Merry Christmas everyone!

A new Navy recruit has his first day on a submarine…

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

An IQ below 70 qualifies you for having an intellectual disability

Now I just need to figure out if that's in Celcius or Fahrenheit

JUsT pAy It BaCk!!1!

https://ift.tt/2Tnmdv8

Wife bad

https://ift.tt/2p3Uxip

explanation if needed: machine is a reverse vending / bottle deposit return. Ruthe is a brilliant german cartoonist.

https://ift.tt/2MRmbrj

Haha install button go click

https://ift.tt/2X3iPHd

I’m pretty bad at building fences..

Oops, wrong place for this post

Christian Boomer

https://ift.tt/36ndTPH

A-Lad-In-A-Costume.. Get it? (Friend sent this to me)

Poor cat cant get a rest

https://ift.tt/2yESCWd

How the passion started…

https://ift.tt/30mksjf

What do you call a constipated detective

No shit Sherlock

We all know where the big apple is, but do you know where…

The Minneapolis?

A chemist froze himself at -273°C.

People asked him if he was hurt but he said he was 0K.

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout and she turned to him and said…

"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out, 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye Mom!" The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85." said the clerk. "How come so much! I only bought 5 items." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things too."

A man goes on a business trip to Japan

In Japan, he picks up a hooker and they go all night long. The entire time they were making love she was excitedly shouting: Hasimota! Hasimota! Since the man obviously didn't know a word of Japanese, he concluded it was some sort of an excitement noise. The next morning he meets with a few japanese businessmen on a golf course. One of the businessmen makes a shot and, surprisingly, scores a hole in one. Everyone applauds and the foreign man, wanting to sound clever, shouts: Hasimota! The man who scored the shot turns to him and asks in confusion: "What do you mean 'Wrong hole!'?"