Wanna know my favorite leg day exercise?
Skipping.
I’m Going to Kill that Parrot
A young women purchases a condo downtown. She is very excited as she can now walk to work every day. On her first day of walking to work she sees that there is a pet store on her way. As she gets closer, she notices that there is a parrot in front of the store sitting on a perch. When she gets closer, the parrot looks at her and says “Hey, lady!” The young woman warmly responds with “What Mr. Parrot?” The parrot says “you’re ugly!” The young woman is shocked and says “that’s not very nice, leave me alone” and goes on about her way. The next day the young woman is on her way to work and she encounters the parrot again. The parrot says “Hey lady!” and the woman responds cautiously with “What Mr. Parrot?” And the parrot says “you’re really ugly!” The woman tells the parrot to shut up and goes on to work. This happens day after day after day until one day, after the parrot tells her she’s ugly, she loses her cool and marches into the store to find the manager. She explains to the manager that she is tired of being harassed by this bird and he better do something or she’s going to kill it. The manager calmly explains to her that he’ll talk to the parrot and it’ll never happen again. The very next day the young woman is on her way to work and sure enough, she sees the parrot. As she approaches, the parrot looks at her and says, “Hey lady!” She responds with “What Mr. Parrot?” The parrot says “you know!”
Just heard someone bragging about their one night stand
Well I've got two night stands and a double bed
I pour my root beer into a square cup.
Now it's just beer.
As my wife was preparing dinner, I said to her, “That’s a nice ham you’ve got there.”
"It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front and an ‘e’ at the end."
As a doctor I never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice skating before it was cool
Monday: Greg. Tuesday: Ian: Wednesday: Greg. Thursday: Ian. Friday: Greg
A GregOrIan calendar
How is the best way to greet Native Americans
No text found
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
He won the no-bell prize.
r/im14andthisisdeep:
r/dadjokes: hello 14, hello deep, I'm dad
HELP MY HATS ARE STUCK
MY CAPS LOCKED
I was asked if I would accept $100,000 if it meant that the person I hated the most got $200,000.
I said "Sure. Why wouldn't I want $300,000?"
Just heard about a dwarf who was pickpocketed
How could anyone stoop so low?
Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.
The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up
I just found out I’m colorblind…
It came completely out of the purple…
I haven’t had sex in so long
sometimes I go for a run in flip flops to remember what it sounds like.
Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.
Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.
My IQ test result just came in and I’m really relieved…
Thank God it came back negative…
Three warriors and a female troll enter the Colosseum.
The first, wielding a sword, attacked the massive lady-beast head on but was quickly dispatched. The 2nd, wielding a flail was picked up and thrown across the arena like a toy. The 3rd warrior knew he could not defeat the troll by conventional means and with that, he charged at the troll as fast as he could, slid between her thighs and aggressively performed oral sex on her. The crowd cheered as the trolls knees buckled and her body shivered. The other two warriors brushed themselves off and ran over to provide aid but found that the troll had been rendered defenseless. The first warrior watched the crowd and then began to shout: "We are warriors!" "We are heroes!" And as he looked upon the 3rd warrior wiping his chin with his sleeve, he smiled and shouted: "But above all! WE ARE GLADIATOR!"
How often do people die in hospitals?
Just once.
My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.
I can't read a fucking word now.
What do you call a Holy woman that works in your office?
Nun of your business
69 fought 70
71
My father’s name is Lee. My name is Riley.
As a kid, if I ever said the word “apparently”, he would interrupt to shout “A Son Riley!”
A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver can’t stop staring at her…….
So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, "I have a question I need to ask you but I don't want to offend you." The nun replies, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, "Well it's like this; I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me." The nun replies, "Okay well, let's see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though – firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, yes! I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun then says, "Okay then, pull into the next alley." The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry. The nun sees this and asks him, "My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?" The cab driver says, "You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you – I must confess that I'm married and I'm also Jewish." The nun laughs and says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
“To be and not to be”
—Schrödinger's Hamlet
Did you hear about the Dad joke sweeping the globe?
Its called the Groaner virus
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
Why do girls go out in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they cant even.
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says: "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it."