Want to hear a clean joke
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
I should have listened to my grandfather…
— what did he say? — I don't know. I didn't listen.
A cop left a nice note on my windshield to let me know I’d parked my car correctly…
It said "Parking Fine"
Call me a hero if you must
The price of freedom vs tyranny
When you call a suicide hotline.
I asked the toy store assistant where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were…
She replied, "Aisle B, back!"
If you pull a pin from a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
wed good, phone bad
My grandma tagged me in this
You will not not regret it
Boomer Christmas Humor
I ordered a Chicken and an Egg from Amazon
I'll let you know
I want to hear 99 people sing ‘Africa’ by Toto.
It's something that a hundred men or more could never do…
I proposed to my girlfriend in the gym yesterday
But it didn't workout.
monkeyuser knows it do be like that.
It’s in plain sight
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, because men can be feminists too.
Two years ago, my doctor told me that I was going deaf
I haven’t heard from him since
With his wife now eight months pregnant, a man was severely horny. She recognized what he was going through and empathized enough to hand him a fifty-dollar bill. "Honey, you're so depressed. Take this money to the woman next door and she'll sleep with you. But remember: tonight only, okay? Never again!" He couldn't believe his ears but, afraid she might change her mind, grabbed the money and ran, but within five minutes was back, totally disappointed. "She says fifty isn't enough. She wants hundred!" His wife was mad, Why that bitch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here, I only charged him fifty!
Who’s gonna look out for the billionaires?
Thank god my insurance is tied to the job I just lost.
This blu-ray I bought said the main event would be David vs. Daniel.
However, the screen only said DVD.
“It’s just a latex allergy”
A guy goes into a drug store looking for some disinfectant. He walks up to an employee in a white uniform and asks her "Excuse me, do you sell any products here that will kill the Corona Virus?" She says, "ammonia cleaner". . . He replies, "Oh sorry to bother you, I thought you were a pharmacist."
If you thought this year was strange, I’ve got some news for you.
2019 will be odd too.
Found this in my music room.
The conception of time
A man walks into his home to realize that all his lamps were stolen
He was delighted
Well well well….how the turntables
A guy with wet feet enters a bar
The barman asks : Why are your feet wet? The guy says: I went into the lake to get wood. A second guy enters the bar and is wet from the knees to the toes. The barman asks: Why are you wet? The second guy says: I went into the lake to get wood. A third guy enters the bar and is wet from the hips to the toes. The barman asks: Why are you wet? The third guy says: I went into the lake to get wood. A fourth guy enters the bar and is completly wet. The barman says: I guess you went into the lake to get wood?! The fourth guy says: No. I'm Wood !
My husband once bought me a dress two sizes too small to encourage me to lose weight so I could fit into it.
When he gave me the dress, he said that he was "looking forward to seeing you in it." So for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.
Easy peasy, professor!
How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They only talk about change.
Great White Shark
After being single for years, I finally found the perfect match online.
It produces a greenish flame and it looks really cool while I'm lighting up my cigarette.
My daughter asked for a Cinderella themed birthday party,..
So I made her and friends mop the floor and do the dishes.
Poor Ribo :(
Big brain time
Can anyone here do it ?
Show me the lie.
Press F to pay respects
I want my data fast!
Lock him up!
The debate is settled then.
Why did Tesla read newspapers?
To know about current events.
I have a friend who is a transgender atheist.
They are a she now, but they were a heathen.
No doubt in my mind …
A senior West Wing staffer told Trump that…
…he had a dream, and in that dream Trump got his huge military parade after all, complete with hundreds of thousands of cheering, flag-waving people lining the streets. "Was I smiling?" Trump asked. "I don't know," the aide replied. "It was a closed casket."
I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people
Now I am at the hospital.
I love wasting my time due to whitespaces
Old people are so brutal
I just burnt my Hawaiian pizza
I guess I should have put it on aloha temperature
Who else is/feels old and can relate?
Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin.
How did Dr. Frankenstein find where his monster was hiding?
He had a hunch
A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.
He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight. The entire fence was covered in lights! Fence post after fence post, crossbeam after crossbeam, the most dazzling, amazing collection of lights they'd ever seen! The driver immediately called his friends and family and told them to get out to the old country road and within hours, the traffic was backed up for a mile. At the end of the display, he had a couple of farmhands waiting with donation buckets and sure enough, he raked in several hundred dollars that night. This went on for weeks only getting more and more popular and even despite the high electricity bill, he turned quite a profit on the display. And so it went for the next few years. His light displays got more and more elaborate. They synced to music. They twinkled in time to the passing cars. There were LEDs and lasers, inflatable reindeer and glowing manger scenes, and everything in between. He started to notice, however, that the number of cars began to dwindle each night. Whereas folks used to come from counties around to see the fence, the numbers grew smaller and smaller each night. At the end of the season, he'd seen maybe a tenth of the cars. The months passed and November crept up again. The farmer headed down to the feed and hardware shop to gather a few necessary supplies for the display and couldn't help but overhear a couple of the customers talking. "Yeah, it just ain't what it used to be. I mean, don't get me wrong, it were pretty and all when he got it started, but something 'bout it nowadays just ain't fresh." "I know. I wish he'd do something different. Something original. Everybody's got them Christmas lights now." This incensed the farmer. He spent hundreds of hours every season making something amazing for the world to see and they were treating it like so much manure from his barn. He would show them. He raced back to his farm and he ripped out every single light from post after post. He tore out the inflatable Santa and knocked down the wise men. And when he was done, he meticulously strung the exact same red and green lights on every square foot of that fence. "I'll show them. They think they can take me foregranted, we'll see how they like this boring mess." The first night of the display, the visitors (small in number as they may have been), were astonished. Their phones lit up with dials to their friends and neighbors. Soon enough, the line of cars stretched back miles and miles, longer than it ever had in the heyday of the display. The farmer shook his head while his farmhands stood agape at the traffic. "I don't believe it! How could this be so popular?" the lead farmhand asked the farmer. "It's simple. Everybody says they want to see something original but what really gets them going is the same old post over and over again."
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch…
They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
My dad is forbidden from buying alcohol since he started working in the coal mine
They don't sell alcohol to miners
“What’s your wage?” asked my friend.
I said, "It's the amount of money I make."
All The Attorney General’s Men