Wanted to give you a laugh
I have started freezing different objects at -273.15°c and blowing them up. Seeing with items reacted differently.
I call it the 0k boomer experiment.
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you. I have my contacts.
Did you hear about the actress who got stabbed?
I think her name was um.. Reese.. Reese…. “Reese Witherspoon?” No, with a knife.
A man walks in to a bar and says “I’ll have a rum and coke.”
The bartender says "is pepsi okay?" and the man agrees. The bartender comes back with a drink and says "here's your pepsi and coke, that'll be $11.50"
I had to quit my last job, all I did was test soft drinks
It was just soda grading
Why was 6 afraid of 7
7 was a registered six offender
One night, a viking named Rudolf the Red was looking out the window when he said, “it’s going to rain”
His wife asked, "how do you know?“ "Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear"
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, “What’s happening now?”
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!" "So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear. "Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
“How many digits of pi do you know?” – “All of them…
I just always forget the order!”
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Success is like pregnancy.
Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
There’s quite a crowd at the lego store
They are lined up for blocks.
I hear it’s easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods
It's more difficult to deter gents though
I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw..
He said yeah but it’s rare.
The hospital that my son is staying at got the Avengers to visit him.
He’s also going to see Stan Lee next week!
My girlfriend really likes to cosplay as gardening tools.
Often, she's a hoe.
What do you call two worms in love?
Soilmates
What’s the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data and the other is a hardware standard.
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and she was upset.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
Why does Santa fear getting stuck in a chimney?
Because he’s Claustrophobic.
My brother said, “What rhymes with Orange”
I told him no it doesn’t
My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed
When we broke up she went fucking bananas
What do you call someone who cusses but it nice about it?
A good swearitan.
Do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge my phone in my honda?
Best Buy employee: a cord? Me: no it's a Civic.
Why did the can crusher quit his job ?
Because it was soda pressing
Why do riot police arrive early to the protests?
… so they can beat the crowds!
Went to a theater and my dumb friends wouldn’t sit together.
We ended up getting into a row.
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he’d be around for his 104th.
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
Today a clown held a door open for me.
Such a nice jester.