War good technology bad
What has 8 legs and 8 eyes?
8 pirates
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
Its very time consuming.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a girl.
Guy: You're the most average girl here Girl: You're so mean Guy: No, you are
A man dies, and wakes up on a beach…
There are girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. "Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented… What's that about?" "Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way."
During my boxing career, I was the 2nd best boxer in my country.
I fought in over 100 fights, and came 2nd every single time.
How come 11 ants couldn’t park their cars at their ant hill?
Because parking is for ten ants only!
Altar boy goes to confession
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Four months vacation and five good leads!"
What does COVID and riding a motorcycle have in common?
You can do everything right but other people can still fuck you over.
BREAKING: Trump signs an Executive Order renaming the San Andreas Fault
to Barack Obama’s Fault
Alcoholic snails.
Must have a hard time sneaking out to the pub without the wife noticing.
Dark humor is like food
Not everyone gets it
No one in Antarctica has COVID-19
It's because they are ice-o-lated.
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches?
…because then it would be a foot
Give ‘em the punchline first!
How do you tell a good joke about time travel?
My friend says he’s a compulsive liar…
I don’t believe him.
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.
The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet. The waitress asks, "Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?" "Yup," says the woman. "Makes it easier than trying to remember who's who every damn time." "But what if you only want to talk to one of them for some reason?" the waitress asks. "Well, then I just call them by their last names."
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
Why don’t some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't workout.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
My son asked “daddy, did you pick your nose when you were young?”
“no, son, I was born with it.”
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after one gets a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
Two female parrots
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." “What do they say?" the priest inquired. “They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly. “That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that…that phrase in no time." “Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!" Edit: wow guys, first post above 1.0k 🙂 glad you all liked it!
What do you call a communist sniper?
A Marx-man
I’m pretty bad at building fences..
Oops, wrong place for this post
Your penis so small….
That when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.
A tree’s first winter must be terrifying.
Imagine the releaf they feel in spring.
imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
there would be mass confusion.
I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he’s had.
He started counting but he fell asleep.
Dead crows
The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on U.S. Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus. A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19). The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars. TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"!!!
I asked my mum, “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapse
If getting married is supposed to be forever…
…does that mean there's a wifetime guarantee?
What’s the difference between an untrained sniper and a constipated owl?
One shoots but never hits, the other hoots but never shits.
“Life is like a box of chocolates”
“It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.”
