Warning, this is a huge spoiler
Did you hear about the viking Rudolph the Red?
He looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain. His wife questioned, "What makes you say that?" He replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Why do norwegians put barcodes on their ships?
So when they dock, they can scandinavian.
I got a reversible jacket for Christmas,
can't wait to see how it turns out.
Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?
As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"
A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.
The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded. The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.” The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.” The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.” The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.” The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?” “Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier. “What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?” “No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli. So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?” “What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO: JUDGE: It’s a fine. MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
… because Dawn is tough on Greece.
As a man, I consider myself a friend and ally to the LGBTQ+ community
I, personally, have helped several women realize they were lesbians.
My wife said, “You act like a detective too much, I want to split up.”
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.
Hope it’s not terminal.
Why did the duck die?
It overdosed on quack.
Somebody stole my microsoft office and they’re going to pay
You have my word
My wife told me nothing rhymes with orange
I told her “no it doesn’t”
I’m fine letting other people dot my i’s, but crossing my t’s?
That's where I draw the line.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
OMG!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Modern comic relying on a 1970s/early 80s commercial reference for Reese’s cups
https://ift.tt/33ypmvc
Wind
Nature’s biggest fan
At thirteen years old, my parents got divorced.
In hindsight, they shouldn’t have married that young.
I proposed to a mime today,
"Will you mirror me?" She was speechless.
Very few people know about the first ever female vegan
Nobody has heard of herbivore
What do you call a chubby midget?
Low fat.
Why is there 2 d’s in ‘Reddit’?
Because one is a repost.
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months…….
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
Who delivers Christmas gifts to lobsters?
Santa Claws
I still remember my grandfather’s last words to me before he kicked the bucket
“Hey, you wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?”