Warning this post is a little nsfw.
nsfw
Sorry if I offended any of you. If you need some eyebleach I have a ton.
Did you know that today is the only day that tells you what to do?
March fourth! (I told this to my coworkers and none of them appreciated my sense of humor)
BK’s new commercial is questionable at best (I am never eating there again)
BK’s new commercial is questionable at best (I am never eating there again)
Why is an executioner a terrible high-fiver?
He always leaves you hanging
My asshole neighbour came and rang my doorbell at 3am this morning….
Luckily I was still up playing my drums
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looked surprised
Why is an iPhone X perfect for an orphan?
Because it has no home button.
Did you hear about the successful cows?
They were out standing in their field
My dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
It was 11 years ago today.
My buddy James came running into the room, tears streaming down his face, and shouting, “It’s a boy! It’s a boy!” Needless to say, we never went back to Thailand.
If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up…
He should have hired her!
Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo, “Head and Shoulders”…
…have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
What’s Usain Bolt’s favourite remote button?
Fast forward
My girlfriend accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
I asked my son to take 9 from 8, to which he replied “minus one”, I said…
“Yours is one what?”
Why did the soda factory worker quit his job?
It was too much fizzical labor.
I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today.
Don't worry, I'm not hurt. It was a soft drink.
I just figured out why Beyoncé’s hair is always blowing in every picture.
It is because she has so many fans.
I love dry erase boards.
They're remarkable.
I just bought a new blindfold
But I can't see myself wearing it
I’m never smoking weed with mexicans again.
I asked who got papers, and they took off running.
After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit.
I just handed in my too weak notice.
A dad was washing his car with his son
The son asked why they couldn't just use a sponge.
I bought a leather handbag.
Even though I don't own any leather hands.
Why nice guys finish last & Why Abundance Is So important in business, in life and in RELATIONSHIPS!
So just wanted to break down “Why Nice Guys Finish Last” to you guys. The “Nice guy” is AGREEABLE to everything. When you are agreeable to everything you are giving all your power away. You are less likely to lead, you are less likely to be ASSERTIVE and you are less lIKELY to be DOMINANT. The nice Guys Lacks Confidence and power. The number one trait women are attracted too is confidence. In the animal kingdom only the strong survives and gets the mate. Women need a men who provides and protects her and a nice guy just comes off as weak. https://youtu.be/eofqXOi1Fdw
A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” “Because…He’s my newt.”