Was just looking for the original image when suddenly…
I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word.
I can’t express how angry I am.
An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.
His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison. When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto had ever met. Big Joel helped him through his day, showing him where to eat, shower, and work out. Myto woke up every morning and had a Chocolate Brownie for breakfast. The only brownies the prison sold were from a strange company called Dria. Every night, however, Myto noticed something. The power always went out at exactly 9 PM. Being an electrical engineer, Myto decided to find out why this was the case. He asked his bunkmate, Big Joel why this happened. Big Joel shook his head and sighed. “Don’t know why it’s got to be this way. It just do. Power goes out every night at 9.” Myto was perplexed. He resolved to fix this issue using all his electrical engineering prowess. He realized that by using the strange brownies made by Dria, he could make a con brownie. He hid a very powerful battery that he stole from the guards and hooked it up to the wires of his cell. To his delight, the cell lit up! Of course, this didn’t sit well with the other prisoners. Why was Myto and Big Joel’s cell lighting up even after nine PM? One of the prisoners came up to Big Joel and asked him how the hell their cell was still lighting up. Big Joel promptly replied: Well, everyone knows Myto’s con Dria is the powerhouse of the cell
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary…
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too…
Four men are stranded with nothing but cigarettes on a boat with no way to light them
So they throw one cigarette off board, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter
Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put on the wrong socks this morning
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with
She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide
The teacher teaches me about diffusion ten minutes later
Teacher: Oh my lord why are you sitting on the text books Me: I’m learning by diffusion
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
For those of you who were superstitious yesterday, today should be worse…
It's Pi day the 14th, expect irrational fear
My friend went to prison for something he didn’t do.
He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.
Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?
Something inside me says yes.
In one lost episode, Superman almost dies because he was wearing the wrong sized cloak.
He had a narrow S cape.
Did you know you can get paid for sleeping?
It’s a dream job
Can a ninja throw stars?
Shurikan
I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing my down
My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it Edit: platinum 2 mins after posting. Thank you! Edit 2: It’s raining platinum, hallelujah! Thank you everyone!
How many ears does Mr. Spock have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Underage drinking is a massive problem in my house.
My son's been drinking whisky that's only aged for two years. He's the dumbest thirteen-year-old I've ever met.
Did you know I like dad jokes about eyes?
The cornea the better
A student goes to talk to his professor about his grade.
The student comes up to the professor, "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?" The professor looks at the exam again, "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve" The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I'll bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?" The professor is surprised, but still he agrees, at which point the student then takes out his glass eye – and bites it. The shocked professor then takes the exam back, and marks it 85. The student then says "If I'll bite my nose, will you give me a 90?" The professor is once again shocked, "He can't pull out his nose" he thinks to himself. He finally agrees, at which point the student takes out his dentures, and bites his own nose. The professor then once again takes the exam, and marks the grade 90. The student then makes another offer: "If I'll get up on this table, and pee the perfume Coco Chanel on you, will you give me a 100?" The professor now has to see what this kid can do, so he agrees. The student goes on the table, and pees all over the professor, the professor's shirt is soaking wet, as he goes to to sniff it. "What the hell?! This isn't Coco Chanel! This is piss!" The student then goes "Fine, we'll leave it at 90".
Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning?
He was just too far out, man.
I’ve finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position
Life is like a dick
Some times its up, sometimes its down, but it wont be hard forever. Too bad life is short.
How do you cut the ocean in half?
A sea-saw…
My doctor told me I had Type-A blood…
sadly it was a Type-O
So I work in the oil and gas industry and I just lost my job because of all these wind farms
Needless to say, I’m not a big fan.
My aunt shared this on Facebook, as a gen z I must say that this is boomer af.
https://ift.tt/36qzF4s
