Was that really necessary?
If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up…
He should have hired her!
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?' 'I'm out of gas,' the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. 'Try it now,' said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'? The bee answered, ‘BP’
Am I only the only one who thinks this “meme” is BS? Like ywd she be a class.
https://ift.tt/3esMeRl
Roses are red, my screen is blue
I think I deleted system32
I went to the doctor because I was having hearing problems. “Can you describe the symptoms ?”, he asked.
I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"
My local supermarket stocks the Raspberry Pi magazines in the cooking section
https://ift.tt/2of0OUy
Earlier I spotted an albino Dalmatian…
It was the least I could do for him.
How do you cut the ocean in half?
A sea-saw…
Why do pirates love reddit?
Tis the best place to trade stolen content for gold. Edit: ARRRR! Me farst gold! Much love me matey!
I have been hinting to my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she smoothly changes the topic.
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bail
What did Tennessee?
The same thing that Arkansas.
Sometimes I think I have a superiority complex…
But then I realize I’m better than that.
Little Suzie walks in on her parents having sex.
She's told to wait downstairs. Her mother comes down first and tries to console her. Mommy, what were you doing to daddy? Well sweetheart, you know how your father's a little overweight? Every day I bounce up and down on top of him to let some of the air out. The little girl starts laughing. What's so funny hunny? You're wasting your time mommy. Every day when you go to work, the neighbor comes over and blows him right back up!
I just found out I’m colorblind…
It came completely out of the purple…
Why can’t you hear a pterosaur go to the bathroom?
Because the p is silent.
Give a man a guitar and he’ll play for a day…
Teach a man guitar and today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you
My wife just threw away my favourite herb.
She's such a Thyme waster
I absolutely hate elevators…….
I take steps to avoid them
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana
Timmy was being raised by his single mother
When one day she sat him down and explains to him that she’s given this a lot of thought and takes it very seriously but she identifies as a man and intends to start living as such. Timmy understands. It was a long transitioning process of altering his appearance, changing his name, undergoing hormone therapy, and finally having the surgery. Timmy was very supportive during the whole process. Even when he was teased by some kids at school. But eventually the process was complete and they decided to have a nice dinner to celebrate. But dinner was ruined. Timmy’s dad just kept making terrible pun after terrible pun. That’s when it hit Timmy like a ton of bricks. He asks “Did….did you go through all this and even get a sex change just so you could make Dad jokes?!” Timmy’s dad replies “Ahh shit, you see right through me. I guess I’m just….transparent”
I’ve been accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
Why must you act quickly during a flood?
Because it's an emergent sea.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
People say i look better without glasses
But i just can't see it.
How do you drown a hipster?
you throw him into the mainstream
The first joke my 3yo self ever made
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom. My dad remembers me being really proud of it and telling everyone, haha!
What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to get into Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!
After being single for ages, my best mate said, “Can I set you up?”
I said, "Go on then" Now I'm doing twelve years for a crime I didn't commit.
The creator of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Fat. You get fat. What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?
6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
I went to a gender reveal party the other day
It was great, but I can’t work out why I was the only naked person there.
My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.
I have some breaking news for her.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
Going to open a new restaurant …
I am getting ready to open an Asian/Mexican fusion resturant…I am calling it Juan-Ton