Was the truck of laughing emojis really necessary
A man walks into a bar…
A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He call for everyone's attention, orders a beer and proceeds to put his balls in the gator's open mouth. The gator closes its mouth, the man drinks the beer and then takes the bottle and whacks the gator on the head with it real hard. The gator opens its mouth and the man shows off his unharmed balls. He looks around the bar and says, "I'll give anyone here a 100 dollars to try this." There is dead silence in the bar, when suddenly a hand goes up in the back. A blond girl comes forward and says, "I'll give it a shot, just don't hit me so hard with the bottle."
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi. EDIT: Wow this blew up
What do you call rednecks up north?
Chillbillies
[Original] The doctor prescribed a man a standing desk for back pain.
He told the man to stand at least 3 hours a day, which should reduce the symptoms – and to come back in a month. A month passes and the doctor is seeing the man again. He asks if the symptoms have improved. The man says, “No, but I’ve only been standing for one hour a day”. The doctor says he understood.
I just found an origami porn channel
but it's paper view.
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
What does an elf have for his birthday?
Shortcake (Sorry, I needed a cake related joke for my first year on reddit)
When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, “The sky is the limit”
He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.
I turned left, turned right, went straight ahead and went back
None of those roads led to Rome. They led me to Arkansas. One of the roads left to the edge of a cliff. Unfortunately, I stopped driving.
I’ve been having the most difficult time figuring out what audio system to put in my car.
I hate making decisions based on stereotypes.
A man is walking to his car late at night
When he sees a woman on a shady corner. He goes up to ask if she's alright and she responds "I'm a hooker, are you interested?" The man decides to live a little and takes her up on her offer and they go back to his car and go at it like rabbits. Some time during, a cop pulls up and knocks on the window. "Excuse me sir what exactly are you doing?" The man answers "I'm having sex with my wife" The cop replies with "I apologize, I didn't know." The man responds with "Me neither until you shined that flashlight"
A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.
The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded. The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.” The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.” The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.” The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.” The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?” “Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier. “What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?” “No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli. So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?” “What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?
I told my boss I need a pay rise and that 3 other companies were after me…
He said 'which ones?' I said ' Gas, electric and water'
A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?” No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot.
Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45." The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth." "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed." The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?" She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
Son: What rhymes with purple?
Dad : No, it doesn’t.
My laziness is like the number 8.
Once it lies down, it becomes infinite.
A man named Ranger
A man named Ranger was going out to a bar to have a few drinks. His roommates told him not to drive if he got too drunk. Ranger asked his roommates how he was supposed to get home. “Walk or text us Ranger.”
Why did the scarecrow get an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
In my opinion, people should wear different deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
I spent a few hours by my wife’s grave today
She thinks I'm digging a pond
An adorable old woman visits the doctor.
“Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least ten times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because it doesn’t smell and is silent.” The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.” The next week the lady returns. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly.” “Good,” the doctor says. “Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
You Are Weak. And You Are Weak Because You Don’t Have Enough Hate.
You Are Weak. And You Are Weak Because You Don’t Have Enough Hate.
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of battle on the German front lines.
The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train that was bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding an empty seat. The only empty seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English lady and was being used by her little dog. The weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the solider and sniffed then said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see that my little pooch is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, looking if there were any other unoccupied seats to use, but after another trip down to the end of the train, he found himself facing the woman with the dog again. Again, the soldier asked, "Please lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted out loud, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also extremely arrogant!" The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The Woman, at a loss for words; shrieked, railed and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentlemen sitting across the aisle spoke up and said, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!."
What are bald sailors most worried about?
Cap sizes!
Never fight dinosaurs..
You’ll get Jurasskicked
Sen. Mitch McConnell Responds to Calls to Recuse Himself from Impeachment Hearings
https://ift.tt/36y8XHm
My dad told me that he wished me a deep hole filled with water
I know he meant well
Donald Trump is exiting the White House and heading into his limo…
…when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him. A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!". The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him. When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor asks him:"Im confused, why did you shout Mickey Mouse?" "I freaked out" he answers."I meant to shout DONALD DUCK!"