Was this really needed?
I signed up for my company’s 401k but I have one concern
I’m not sure I can run that far
What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
High definition.
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
"Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
WAITER: are you ready to order?
DAD: I’ll have the rabbit stew WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after I bring it … DAD: I’ll have the chicken
A man goes to join an order of monks.
A man goes to join an order of monks. The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years." The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order. 15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?". The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away. Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?". "The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement. Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?". "Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man. "Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but fucking complain since you got here."
What do you call a line of men waiting for a hair cut?
A barber queue
I got fired from the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn't putting in enough Shifts, but it was really a lack of Control. I see this as a fresh Start, I thought I would never Escape.
I gave away my empty batteries.
They were free of charge!
This is a Fibonacci joke.
Its worse than the last two jokes you heard, combined.
My friend memorized all the amphibians
Now he has toadal recall.
I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It's his altar ego.
The UK trialled switching to the dollar…
/r/Jokes/comments/f0k1ay/the_uk_tested_switching_to_the_dollar/
Why should you just be honest to fat people?
Because if you sugarcoat the facts, they'll eat them too.
I don’t know why most people think a dogs life is so easy.
Everytime I come home from work I ask my dog how his day went and he always says rough.
“YOU’LL SEE! THEY’LL ALL SEE!”
– said by a very passionate eye doctor as they throw eye glasses into a crowd. (credit goes to my mom)
I finally watched Doctor Who
It was about time.
My friend is trying to convince me to invest in his sword making business.
He makes some really good points.
The Queen was touring a hospital
During her tour, accompanied by doctors, nurses, and hospital board members, she passed a room with a man furiously masturbating. "OH MY! HOW INAPPROPRIATE!" she exclaims "Your majesty, he suffers from a medical condition where he generates so much sperm his testicles will explode if that is not done at least daily" one of the doctors explains. "Oh…well I suppose that is understandable" the queen says, and they continue the tour. A few minutes later they pass a room where a patient is receiving a blow job from a rather attractive nurse. "AND WHAT IS GOING ON THERE?!" the queen shouts, almost fainting. "Same condition, better health plan."
What do you call a deer that can’t see?
No eye deer What do you call a deer that can’t see and doesn’t have legs? Still no eye deer
When I was 12, I lived with my abusive uncle and auntie
We lived on an old farm, no animals just fields. My uncle goes off to a market and comes back with this filthy ass horse. Says it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion. Auntie loves it for some reason, coz it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a bit weird like that. I, being a countryside kid, liked horses and riding them. Then they turned on me saying "If we ever catch you riding our fucking horse then we will beat the living shit out of you". They meant it, they'd done it before. Few days later, I'm messing in the fields with some old tractor tire I found. Dirty is just eating grass and shit next to me. Auntie and uncle come out every few minutes to make sure I'm not riding the horse. Get bored and climb inside the tire. Tire starts moving (field wasn't flat). Can't stop. Auntie and uncle come outside to check on me. They see me rollin' They hatin' Patrolling Trying to catch me ridin’ Dirty.
I bought my friend an elephant for their room
They said, "Thanks." "Don't mention it," I answered.
A guy was wondering what being a suicide bomber was like..
So I told him, “C4 yourself”
Why Jesus and the 3.5″ floppy are the same?
They both died to become the icon of saving.
The devil visits a politician and makes him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you," the devil says. "I'll get you billions of dollars, unlimited political influence, and anything else you can dream of. All I ask for in return is death, disease and poverty for millions of people around the world." The politician thinks for a moment and says, “What's the catch?"
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
They’re really good at it.
I just read that alligators can grow up to 15 feet..
I haven’t seen any with more than 4.
