Was told to put this here
My friends son asked me if I know how to speak lizard
I told him “I don’t. But i guana learn someday”
I heard this girl talking about how much she hates stalkers.
I nearly fell out of my tree.
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies. I’ll see myself to the door now
Imagine being held at gunpoint by (bear with me) a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on social media.
wHo the hEll would beLieve such a thing can hapPen.
I’ve got a memory of an elephant.
I remember when I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.
A Frenchman was showing of his yachts to a tourist
Frenchman: "This one is called Un, this one Deux, this one Trois, Quatre, Six, Se–" Tourist: "Hold on, why is there no number 5?" Frenchman: "It Cinq"
My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50, and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars.
I said, “That’s outrageous!” He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”
A man goes to a prostitute…
A Man goes to a prostitute and asks for a blow job. She says it'll be $150. He says "what can I get for $50?" "A penguin." He didn't know what a penguin was, but it was a bargain. He agrees and she pulls his pants and underwear to his ankles and begins to blow him. After a few minutes without a word, she stops what she's doing, stands up and walks away. The man, pants still around his ankles, begins waddling after her, "Hey what's a penguin??!!"
Why did Cinderella get kicked off her soccer team?
Because she kept running away from the ball.
A dyslexic walks into a bra
No text found
I asked my wife if she would wear gloves if she had no hands? She said – ermmm nooo..
Then why are you wearing a bra?
I donated 1 kidney and they called me a lifesaver
I donate two kidneys, they called me a hero. But for some strange reason, when I donated three kidneys, they called the police.
My account is a joke
It’s April fools and my cake day
I just quit my job at the helium factory…
I won't be spoken to in that tone!
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie. She asked, “What would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
What’s the difference between The Sahara and Jello
One is an inhospitalble desert and the other is an in hospital dessert.
Grandma’s been staring through the window ever since it started to snow.
If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.
Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he could not see that well.
Why are leopards so bad at playing hide and seek?
Because they're always spotted.
What did Adam say to his girlfriend on December 24?
It's Christmas, Eve! Ps Merry Christmas, happy holidays etc etc to all my fellow dads and dad joke lovers 👍
Why do norwegians put barcodes on their ships?
So when they dock, they can scandinavian.
My friend set me up on a blind date with her vegetarian friend but I’m kind of nervous…
I’ve never met herbivore.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
The just went through a grueling 31 day March.
What should you do if you see a famous person at a water park?
Ask them for their watergraph.
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I don’t know you, and This is my trampoline."
I was watching porn on the computer, when my grandpa suddenly walked in.
Weird way to finally find out what he did for a living.
My tailor really likes fixing my clothes
Or sew it seams
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood drive.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type O."
Here’s a compilation of all the funniest clean jokes in existence
https://youtu.be/q6rn38t6y74kr
Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest.
After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of their choice, and whoever received the most karma for it would win. Adam, already undecided himself, decided to go to /r/AskReddit. He laid out the agreement, and asked that everyone vote one their favorite movie, and the one with the most votes he would use for the his friends. Unfortunately, as the votes were split in that sub, his highest post amounted to a mere 38 points. Paul, a big proponent for the Toy Story franchise, posted to /r/nostalgia in the hopes that everyone who grew up with Toy Story would agree. Unfortunately, as there had been three sequels (with a forth on the way) it wasn't exactly considered "nostalgia" and he got downvoted into oblivion. Bill, who loved Monsters Inc., made his case using some trickery. Going to /r/news, he found a seemingly unrelated post, and made a top-level comment describing, in great detail, why Monsters Inc. was the greatest film of all time. The fact that the post was so out of context made everyone flock to it, and drew enough attention to new him over a thousand fake internet points. Mike, who loved the Incredibles movies, decided to stay in his wheelhouse. Over the course of several hours, he created each of the family members from the Incredibles in Soulcaliber VI. Finally, he photoshopped the family together, and posted it to /r/gaming. Under normal circumstances this would have skyrocketed to the top, but the format was stale, and thus only received 20k karma. Still, Mike was confident in his victory. While the other four friends came up with plans on how to maximize their karma gains, Chris sat silently. For hours he sat, making no posts, coming up with no original content. Finally, an hour before the deadline, he broke into his neighbor's house, stealing his copy of the Pixar movie "Up". He took a picture of his theft and posted it directly to /r/Jokes with the title "STOLEN". When the group got together the next day to see who got the most votes, everyone was in awe. Chris's post had over 40,000 points. "How did you know that would win?" "Easy," Chris replied. "Everyone knows stolen content on /r/Jokes gets all the Up votes."
While he was out, my husband text me ‘I think I’ll run through the car wash on my way home.’
I replied: 'Probably better to drive the car through.'
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
I saw my son reading Fahrenheit 451, and I asked him whether he liked it.
He said, “Its pretty lit.”