Was told to put this here
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts.
It’s currently half empty.
4 20
20, 20, 20, and 20.
I got banned from the secret cooking society…
For spilling the beans.
A farmer has 895 sheep.
Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up. So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- they seem very fit, but young and untrained. The shopkeeper asks the farmer if he wants any help. "Why yes," says the farmer. I need a team of sheepdogs to help round up my flock. I have a rather large number of sheep, you see, and I don't think any of these young pups would be up to the task of rounding up so many." The shopkeeper says, "I've got just the thing for you." and leads the farmer into a small back room, where a single sheepdog sits waiting. "Are you sure?" asks the farmer, "I have very many sheep and I don't think one dog will be able to round all of them up.". "I'm sure." says the shopkeeper, "This is a very intelligent dog. He's been well-trained for many jobs and has skills beyond any other dog I've ever seen." "Yes," says the dog, "I know six languages, eight martial arts and I have a degree in engineering." The farmer, clearly very impressed by this dog- who wouldn't be impressed by that?- decides to take him home. That afternoon, the farmer and the dog walk together up hill, and from the top they can see the entire flock covering the fields. "Well," says the farmer, "I'd like you to round up all of these sheep.". "Okay." replies the dog, "You have nine hundred sheep."
Why didn’t 4 ask out 5
Because he was 2².
I really hate One Direction fans.
Oscillating ones cool the room much better.
How do you get a mouse to smile
You say Cheese!
My 6 year old made this up while taking his bath…
Knock knock Who's there? Dwayne Dwayne who? Dwayne the tub before I dwown.
I’m addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.
It's really hard to quit cold turkey
Dad, are we Pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
How quickly did the costume store employees clean up the sombrero spill?
At the drop of a hat!
Where do spiders get their drugs?
The deep web
My grandpa’s last words before he died was “Pints! Gallons! Litres!”
That spoke volumes.
My deaf girlfriend just told me “I think we need to talk.”
That’s not a good sign.
Rolled my first joint last night.
God my ankle hurts this morning.
I used to be a Christian
Woman: I used to be Christian. Man: It’s all right, I don’t really care for those sorts of things. Woman: Thank god! It’s so much better now that I’m Christine!
I just bought a mentos 24 pack for my family.
Best trade ever.
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations." "How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
When your mom is out and the food is in the fridge
When your mom is out and the food is in the fridge
Reddit was down this morning
Leaving millions of workers nothing to do except their jobs
The punchline comes first
What’s the worst about time travel jokes?
I occasionally enjoy leaning on things.
When I'm so inclined.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It’s gonna take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick
Very few people know the scientific term for identical twins.
Fetus Repeatus.
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.
When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit. He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?” She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk. “Jesus, lady,” says the cop. “What are you so afraid of?” The old lady looks him in the eye and says, “Not a fucking thing.”
When my dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while…
Then I remembered… Me and my wife have different dentists…
If I were American, I’d vote Bernie…
But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.” And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…
"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this stuff instead of training!"
It’s incredible how many people confuse “to” and “too”.
It’s amazing two me.
Why wasn’t infinity war a vegan movie?
Because everything was at steak
I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day
She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10" I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton
My daughter says she now identifies as a small group of words that have a collective meaning
Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
Sleeping is so easy…
… I can do it with my eyes closed.
Knock knock / Who’s there? / Broken pencil / Broken pencil who?
Nevermind it’s pointless.
My penis may not be 12 inches
….but it smells like a foot.
I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.