Wash it off!
A woman is giving birth to twins.
Due to the massive blood loss during the delivery, she had gone unconscious shortly after they were delivered. She awakens to a nurse who congratulated her on having the kids and told her that her brother had come in and named the children for her. "Oh no" the woman said, "My brother is a little slow…he's not entirely all there" "Don't worry" says the nurse, "He actually picked good names, the girls name is Denise" "That's not that bad" says the woman. "What's my boys name?" The nurse replies "Denephew"
A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller
“I want to open a fucking checking account.” The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.” The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation. The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?” “There is no fucking problem” the man says. “I just won $500 million in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank.” “Oh, I see.” says the manager. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time, Sir?”
A drunk German is urinating on a bush
An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!" The German says, "Danke!"
A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.”
The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?” The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”
I met a man named Jim Apple the other day.
He has trouble introducing himself in France.
Radish means slightly Awesome in 90’s vernacular
No text found
Where did Noah put the bees?
In the Ark hives.
Why did the CEO of the underwear company cut the introductions short?
He wanted to keep things brief.
The doctor says to me, “I’ve got bad news and worse news”
Me: What's the bad news? Doctor: You've got 24 hours to live. Me: Then what's the worse news!? Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday
A zombie is trying to get his kid to eat their dinner
"Eat your food, there's people in America with no brains at all"
My wife gets mad when I steal her kitchen utensils…
But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
What is Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination?
HAANNDD EEYYEEEEEEEEEEE
Courtesy of my 6 year old – Where did fozzy bear take his dog?
For a walka walka walka
Have you ever tried blindfolded archery?
You don't know what you're missing!
Why haven’t the aliens visited our solar system yet?
Bad reviews… only 1 star.
Before the clock strikes midnight on Dec. 31 be sure to lift your left leg.
That way you'll start off the new year on the right foot.
How does an ant put on a tie?
With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.
Me: Officer, are you actually crying while you’re writing me a speeding ticket?
Officer: It was a moving violation
Wanna hear something funny? Quarantine.
It’s an inside joke.
I almost missed my cake day!
That would have been real crumby.
Two chemists walk into a Bar
chemist 1: I’ll have some H2O chemist 2: I’ll have some H2O also chemist 2’s arch nemesis disguised as the bartender: [under breath] so close….
COVID spelled backwards is DIVOC
which is fitting cause I have no idea what DIVOC is going on
I’m the content creator for the IG of the @. Please don’t hold that against me.
https://ift.tt/2DPJYmQ
6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9. But why did 7 eat 9?
It heard you were supposed to have three squared meals a day.
You all must have heard about the man who invented the knock knock joke.
Well, he won the No-bell prize.
Tickets to what concert cost 45 cents?
50 cent ft. Nickelback
What is an archeologist
Someone who’s career is in ruins
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.
He’ll be born in February.
Why is Donald Trump happy about the impeachment result?
Because it’s the first time he’s gotten the most votes.
