Wasn’t The Correct Colour.
I named my eraser Confidence
Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make
I, foolishly, named my daughter Daenerys before seeing how Game of Thrones ended. But you live and you learn.
Now to take a big sip of coffee, sit down with my son, Judas, and read about how things worked out for this Jesus fella.
My friend’s financial advisor spent all of his money on strippers and blow.
That guy really put the douche in fiduciary responsibility.
I was so angry when the door knob broke off my front door.
I couldn’t handle it.
So I’m giving up drinking for the next month straight.
Sorry, that came out wrong. Ahem. So, I’m giving up. Drinking for the next month straight.
We’ve got a Polish sound guy
Cheque one too
First time I went to an art museum, I was shocked that I couldn’t swipe the paintings…
https://ift.tt/2xVb5gR
What is the downside of eating a clock?
It's time-consuming.
My friends caught me listening to an audiobook of the digits of pi…
and I never heard the end of it…
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there's not mushroom!
As I handed my Dad his 50th Birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“You know, one would have been enough”
Women are actually turning into good drivers.
So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning.
Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.
The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again. His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!” “Well,” Teddy replies, “today when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fucking around.”
Be careful today when searching “Giant Black Hole Pics”
All I keep getting are scientific articles.
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet
Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle ♻
I’ve always wanted one of these on my car
No text found
What do you call a pregnant woman?
A bodybuilder
My Lesbian neighbors Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.
They said they wouldn’t mind if we did it the “old fashioned way” as they weren't man haters! For six months now we’ve been trying but I just don’t have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
My friend wouldn’t stop telling me bird puns
Little did he know toucan play at that game
What do you call a yeti tattoo on your stomach?
Abdominal snowman
A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all.
Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Now it's your turn to speak.
My wife just found out she’s adopted.
She was devastated and kept asking me "Why didn't they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked to make love with her, which led to more tears. On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY", was little insensitive.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish n ships Not mine. Saw it somewhere else and I thought it fits here
How do you grab the attention of a pervert?
An NSFW tag
Everybody is shocked….
When they realize I’m not an electrician.
I finally quit the university geology department.
…just because I was the first person to discover a new crack I the earth's crust, everybody was acting like it's my fault.
I made a playlist for hiking!
It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my….Trail Mix.
How is the best way to greet Native Americans
No text found
My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she had just ironed.
I watched it all unfold.
My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
My phone kept calling me Shirley this morning
I had forgotten to take it off of airplane mode.
I said to my wife “When I die,” I’d like to die having sex”
She replied "At least we know it'll be quick"
I asked my girlfriend to come to the gym with me and she didn’t turn up
I guess the two of us aren’t going to work out
