Wasn’t The Correct Colour.
Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make
I, foolishly, named my daughter Daenerys before seeing how Game of Thrones ended. But you live and you learn.
Now to take a big sip of coffee, sit down with my son, Judas, and read about how things worked out for this Jesus fella.
That guy really put the douche in fiduciary responsibility.
I couldn’t handle it.
Sorry, that came out wrong. Ahem. So, I’m giving up. Drinking for the next month straight.
Cheque one too
and I never heard the end of it…
Because there's not mushroom!
“You know, one would have been enough”
So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning.
The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again. His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!” “Well,” Teddy replies, “today when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fucking around.”
All I keep getting are scientific articles.
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle ♻
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They said they wouldn’t mind if we did it the “old fashioned way” as they weren't man haters! For six months now we’ve been trying but I just don’t have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
Little did he know toucan play at that game
Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Now it's your turn to speak.
She was devastated and kept asking me "Why didn't they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked to make love with her, which led to more tears. On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY", was little insensitive.
Fish n ships Not mine. Saw it somewhere else and I thought it fits here
An NSFW tag
When they realize I’m not an electrician.
…just because I was the first person to discover a new crack I the earth's crust, everybody was acting like it's my fault.
It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my….Trail Mix.
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I watched it all unfold.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
I had forgotten to take it off of airplane mode.
She replied "At least we know it'll be quick"
I guess the two of us aren’t going to work out