Wasted in his prime by the evil Corona-virus! RIP
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
Ethnic joke…
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans… … walk into a fine restaurant. "I'm sorry," says the maรฎtre d', after scrutinizing the group… "You can't come in here without a Thai."
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife
She asked, "how many potatoes would you like?" I said, "I'll just have one please". She said, "it's OK, you don't have to be polite." "Alright, I'll just have one then, you stupid whore".
My girlfriend asked me if I’d like a threesome, and who out of her friends I would pick
Apparently I was only supposed to name one, not two
Itโs been 4 years since my last job interview
Iโm beginning to suspect they got someone else
So much has changed ever since my girlfriend told me we were having a baby!
For instance, my name, address, and telephone number!
Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day.
Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Hell?" "Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary." "Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."
Whatโs the difference between an outlaw and an in-law?
Outlaws are wanted.
I went to Borders and asked the blonde for a book about turtles
She said 'hardback?' So I replied, 'yeah, with 4 legs and little heads'
What did the police say to his bellybutton
Your under a vest
My wife said I should take out the spider instead of killing it.
I'm glad I did. We went out. Had a few drinks. Overall good guy. He's a web designer.
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early ?
Because dawn is tough on Greece
Dr: “Sir, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”
Me: "AND?"
An elderly, forgetful couple . . .
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. So during a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen ?' he asks.ย ย ย ย 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'ย ย ย ย 'Sure.'ย ย ย ย 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.ย ย ย ย 'No, I can remember it.'ย ย ย ย 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.ย Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that.ย You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'ย ย ย ย 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?', she asks.ย ย Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!'ย ย ย ย Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.ย She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'
When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, “If you’re ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it.”
One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road. Then breaking through the flurries, I saw the headlights of a plow truck in my rearview mirror. Thanking my lucky stars, I turned in and followed the truck, hopeful that it would lead me back somewhere I recognized. I followed that truck for what felt like hours. He turned left, I'd turn left. He'd swing to the right, and I was right on his tail. After a while, I saw brake lights from the plow, followed by four-way flashers. The plow had stopped, and I saw the driver get out and approach my car. I rolled down the window to talk to him. "Why are you following me, kid?" the plow driver asked. "Well sir, my dad told me if I was ever lost in a snowstorm, I should wait for a plow truck and then follow it." "Well," said the plow driver. "I just finished clearing the Target parking lot. Want to follow me over to Best Buy??"
I have like 50 jokes about the unemployed
Trouble is, none of them work.
My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together…
At first itโs boring, but later on, itโs riveting…
I’m on the couch playing video games when my dad walks in with a tape measure
About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me. It gets closer and closer until it eventually smushes against my cheek. I ask him "What are you doing?" "I'm measuring your patience."
Donโt buy anything with Velcro on it.
Itโs a total rip-off!
There is a guy stealing Iphones around town
He is probably going to face time
There is one word spelled wrong in the dictionary.
No text found
One of my dads favorite jokes….
A young man from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in San Antonio." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up the boss came down to see how things went. "How many sales did you make today?" The young man replied without hesitating, "One." "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?" "$101,237.64" "What the hell did you sell?!?" "First I sold him a bag of #8 fish hooks, then I sold him a bag of #1 fish hooks, then I sold him a set of lures. I then sold him a new fishing rod. After I asked where he was going fishing and he told me he was going to the coast, I told him he would be best off with a boat, so I brought him over to the sea craft department and sold him that 24' twin engine Yamaha. He was doubtful that his Silverado could manage it, so I took him down to automotive and got set him up with the 4×4 F350." "A guy came in here to buy some fish hooks and you sold him a boat and a truck?" "No sir, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing!"
Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the steakhouse market?
It was a big McSteak.
What is Homer Simpsons favorite ice cream?
Cookie D'OH!
Why are older men so good at dad jokes?
Their funny bone has groan up so theyre more humerus
The Smallest Dick In The World
3 guys are meeting at the pub. The first one said "I have the smallest arms in the world", the second "I have the smallest head in the world" and the third "I have the smallest dick in the world". Since they want all of that approved, they thought to go to the Guinness book of records. The first one goes in and comes back "Yeeehaw! I have the smallest arms in the world!". Then the second guy goes in and comes back a few minutes later "YES! I HAVE THE SMALLEST HEAD IN THE WOOOORLD!!!". Last, but not least the 3rd guy goes in and after just one minute he comes back out crying… "Who TF is /u/M3ltd0wn_ ??!".
I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can’t even say black paint
You have to say Leroy, please paint that wall
Whatโs the difference between Covid 19 and Romeo & Juliet?
..Oneโs a Corona virus and the otherโs a Verona crisis.
Did you hear about the dad who swapped genders and now no one can find him?
He became trans-parent.
While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
Bank Robber: Where’s the Safe?!
Teller: Bank Robber: I SAID WHERE'S THE SAFE? Teller: Bank Robber: ANSWER ME! Penn: He always does this