Water good. Facebook bad.
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago..
and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
Dad: so at the ball drop we all have to put our left leg in the air
Me: why Dad: so we can start the new year on the right foot! Me: why are you the way that you are
BJ for Sore Throat
"You don't look so good today, Bambi," said Barbie. "You're right," said Bambi. "I feel like I'm coming down with something. My throat really hurts." Barbie suggested, "You know, whenever I have a sore throat I give my husband oral sex and the next day I feel great." Bambi carefully considered this. The next day Barbie noticed that Bambi looked better. "You look much better today. Did you take my suggestion?" Bambi replied, "I sure did. It worked great. And your husband just couldn't believe that it was your idea!"
Will glass coffins become popular?
Remains to be seen
Why is the goalkeeper richer than all the other players
He’s good at saving
My kid got sunburned on only one of their butt cheeks
My wife said I did a half ass job applying sunscreen
Couples Therapist: So, tell me what brings you here today?
Her: It’s really difficult to live with him. He is so literal. Me: My truck.
What do you call a polite man who builds bridges?
A civil engineer
What is the best part about living in Switzerland?
I'm not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
Lightbulbs do not make good meals.
But they're good for a light snack.
I got a bar installed into my roof
Just so whenever I have guests I can say “drinks are on the house.”
A young boy asks his dad:
"Dad, what is the difference between confident and confidential?" The dad replies: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend next door is also my son, that is confidential."
Three guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes
Three guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
My wife is a body builder.
Yep, she’s pregnant.
A little girl goes into a pet shop and says ‘One wabbit pwease’
"Aww" says the shopkeeper "would you like the little brown bunny, the fuzzy white bunny, or this cute spotted fella here?" "I don't fink my pwython gives a fuck" the girl replies.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it
It's true I saw it with my own eyes
After 40 years as a gynecologist,
John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love—car mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in a car mechanics class and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his teacher after class. “I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?” The teacher replied, “I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the exhaust pipe.”
If you commit 90 sins, you will get caught about half the time.
Because sin90 = cot45
I don’t often tell Dad jokes.
But when I do, he laughs.
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A Do-you-think-he-saurus
How do you tickle a rich girl?
Say 'Gucci Gucci Gucci'
Why is Waldo’s shirt striped?
Can’t be spotted
What is Yoda’s preferred seat on an aeroplane?
Next to a Windu.
In The Matrix, Neo’s mother was good at addition
She knew how to carry The One
While applying for Australian citizenship the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I replied, " No, is that still required?"
The inventor of anagrams died today.
May he 'erect a penis'.
I wouldn’t say it’s easy living with erectile dysfunction.
But it’s not hard.