Water u saying?
What do fish get high on?
Seaweed
A very loud, grossly over-weight, and very unattractive woman walked into Walmart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no! They ain't no twins! Oldest one's nine, and the fat one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" In a very pleasant tone, the greeter responded, "I'm neither blind nor stupid. I just couldn't believe that you got laid twice."
Why did the wine maker have a nervous breakdown?
He just couldn't bottle it up any longer.
How does the man on the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it
A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.
“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa” The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?” The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.” The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had indeed died. The father thought that it was just a very lucky coincidence. A few months later, he tucked her daughter into bed, and she said a prayer. “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, goodbye grandma.” And of course, the next day, the grandmother died. The father realized that his daughter could predict the family deaths, and that this was no coincidence. A few weeks later, he tucked his daughter into bed, and her prayer went “God bless mommy, and good bye daddy.” Her father went into shock. He stood up all night waiting for the worse, and then sunrise came. He decided to just stay at work the entire day to be safe. He stayed at his office until midnight came. When it did, nothing happened. He breathed a sigh of relief. When he came home, his wife asked why he was home so late. “I had the worst day of my life.” Said the father. “If you think your day was hard, you won’t believe what happened to me, my boss died in the middle of a meeting!”
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 3 weeks
I didn't want to interrupt her
What do you call a pregnant woman?
A bodybuilder
I handed my 4 year old a bottle of cold water and said, “Hold this.”
She responded, "Don't you mean cold this?" My kid just dad joked me and I've never been prouder of her.
What do English teachers do on Reddit?
Edit: grammar
I’ll admit, I was wrong about how good my Chiropractor is.
I stand corrected.
Someone let me know if this joke already kind of exists
Never date a bread maker, They’re so kneady.
I tried to flatulate while lying on my back but my balls got in the way
It was a scrotal eclipse of the fart
See that? Thats my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
When your trying to discuss school with your dad.
I'm 19 years old and I major in Biology at SDSU. I was talking to my dad at Easter about an essay I'm writing. It is on the extracellular matrix, basically everything in the space between two or more cells, I thought it was going all right until he started laughing at literally nothing. Me: "Whats so funny?" Him: "I have a joke okay?" Me: "Okay?" Him: "What do prisoners study?" Me: "What?" Him: "Cell Walls." Basically thats my life.
It’s sad that nothing is made in America anymore…
I just bought a new t.v. and it said “Built in antenna” I don’t even know where that is!
Why was 10 traumatized?
Because it was in the middle of 9/11.
I’m honestly convinced some women do not fart.
They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama
People think that being a taxi driver with dyslexia is difficult.
It's as easy as C, A, B.
My friend charges £20 for postcards of East Africa on a plank for children to play on.
She sells Seychelles on the see-saw.
Dad: “Knock, knock!” Kid: “Who’s there?”
Dad: Spell! Kid: Spell who? Dad: W… H… O…
How meaning of how Adam and Eve came to be
So basically you know when ur high you feel funny and stuff. Yeah so when the universe was made it made humans like this feeling high all the time and then the humans eventually made a amichane to stabilize the damasion and only had two people of the race left because all the others killed them self eventually and so Adam and Eve are the unstable humans and after zapinf them selfs with the beam they came to the niw stabaliEd timension and reset the world by.accident and. The material to make the machine was smooked weed and so when you smoke weed or stuff and get high you accidentally go to a realm in-between both stabaliEd and unstabaluzwd dimasion and so you feel high because euyr In 3 and 1. (stabaliEd version dimasion) and you are feeling millions of years of knowledge and memories so it’s too much for your head and you get high she to loss of blood in the head. Freaking world out there people. Love you all goodnight . Garfield oh shit he is behind me aahhh gnandrgfiwld orange cat aaa. Om nom nom. mmmm -garfield (last oart). ……..(bye/night)
I lent a girl my umbrella yesterday
now the amount of girls I made wet this year is -1. 🙁
All the girls in a classroom were upset by Little Eddy!
After months of enduring his foul language and sexual innuendoes in class, the girls decide to walk out of the class in protest in case Eddy says anything sexual or offensive. Class starts and the teacher says: "OK kids, today's subject will be buildings and construction. Who can tell me how buildings are made?" The class remains quiet, then little Eddy raises his hand and says "Madam, I know". The teacher says, "OK Eddy, please explain." Eddy: "Well, first before anything you need a permit from the city for the construction project to begin, that could take months. Once you get the permit, then come the bulldozers to basically dig into the earth to create the foundation. Then, cement is poured into the foundation and pylons are inserted. Around the pylons, the outer structure of the building is made, floors, walls, ceilings.Then comes wiring and plumbing. Next drywall can be installed along with flooring and fixtures. When all is said and done, you still have to get an occupancy permit from the city before you can actually use the building. The class remains quiet. The teacher says: WOW Eddy! Bravo, that was amazing, how did you learn all that? Eddy: For the past many months, just a few doors down from our house, they have been building what I think is a huge whore house, I've watched the whole thing from start to finish. At that moment, all the girls suddenly get up and start to walk out. Eddy looks around and says: Woah woah woah, girls sit down, they are still waiting for the permit!
Why was 69 afraid of 70?
Because they had a fight and 71.
Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me
Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy
A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, “Watch this, brah!” hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop.
"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot. "Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot. The plane just goes straight for a while. "How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot. The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?" The cargo pilot replies, "I went to the galley and got myself some more coffee."
How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's a hardware problem.
Alcohol is gay.
Cause when you have it, you can't think straight.
Who is Gaston?
The winner of the no Belle prize.
They say you have a 50% chance living next to a sex offender.
Lucky I live next to a sexy 12year old.
My teenager took his driving test today and managed to get 8 out of 10.
The remaining 2 jumped out of the way.
I really hope coronavirus can’t spread through sex
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.
I stopped being breastfed at 3
But enough about my day, how was yours?