Water you thinking about?
Steve Jobs would’ve made a better president than Donald Trump
But that's comparing apples to oranges
Is buttcheeks one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
How is Pope’s poop different from rest of us?
It's Holy Shit.
If ‘A’ is for apple, and ‘B’ is for banana, what is ‘C’ for ?
Plastic explosives
A heartless drill instructor screamed at his platoon for over an hour.
He got in the face of a private and yelled, “I bet when I die you’ll show up at my grave and spit on it!” “Not me,” the private said. “After I get out of the army I’m never standing in a line again.”
I’m not addicted to cocaine.
I just like the way it smells.
I work in a kitchen in a local restaurant, today I tried to start a food-fight with the other chef…
I threw some spaghetti her way, but it went right pasta.
Work got cancelled for two weeks, so I go to the grocery store on the way home.
I’ve seen all the news, lots of Facebook pictures of empty shelves, but I was not prepared for this madness. There’s a line of like five people by the frozen goods aisle, trying to get pizza. So I decide to go get some ramen. I know it’s not the best, but it keeps forever and I’ve been perfecting my “authentic” ramen recipe. Sure enough, there’s an even longer line there, only two packets per person. And there’s literally a whole aisle of shelves that’s just instant ramen, plastic wrap from the boxes is on the floor, and the person picking out their two packs is being very indecisive… there is a decent sized group waiting, so I head to the cleaning products aisle. This is where it gets crazy. One store employee is tearing open bulk bags of toilet paper, giving one roll to each customer. And there is another employee putting Clorox wipes in baggies, 5 for a dollar. The aisle is packed, shopping carts clacking together. So I decide to just go get some Koolaid or fruit punch or whatever. There is no punch line.
Who can drink two liters of gasoline?
Jerry can!
I didn’t know what to wear to my premature ejaculation support group
So I just came in my pants.
I’m having a bun filled with ham and pineapple for my lunch today…
That's Hawaii roll…
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming…that was me."
I’m a big fan of whiteboards
I find them quite re-markable.
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you.
But I can see where you are coming from.
Gotta make it buzzword friendly for the execs. We’re all worker pods anyways.
https://ift.tt/39tROA1
I recently started taking my paddle boat out on the lake
I feel like canoe person
What do you call a yeti tattoo on your stomach?
Abdominal snowman
When President Trump said he would deliver more jobs than any other president…
I didn't realize he'd do it by constantly hiring replacement White House senior staff.
Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.
I have some news for you guys. My Monster is Gay.
He just came out of the closet.
Whoever stole my antidepressants..
I hope you're happy now.
A military commander calls his soldiers and says: “the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!”
One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander. "Oh well…" said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden… so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of". So the soldier goes in the back of the garden, and after a few hours comes back. "So… what did you do to the mole?" Asked the commander. "Ohoh! Commander!" The soldier laughed: "I did the most horrible thing ever! Try to take a guess!" "Did you… cut it in pieces while it was still conscious?" "Even worse!" "Hmm… did you throw him to the rabid dogs?" "Even worse!" "Oh my god! What the hell did you do to that mole?!" "I buried it alive!"
I’ve been asking people what LGBTQ means
Nobody gave me a straight answer
What is it called when a cannonball eats another cannonball?
Cannonball-ism
What’s the most important rule when making porno music?
Never use A-minor.
Please don’t make any more jokes about the Coronavirus…
My friend has it and it's serious. He got it from a tick bite… It's the first reported case of Corona with Lyme.
What do you get when you cross Willy Wonka with stolen fizzy lifting drinks?
You get NOTHING! YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY, SIR!
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?” “You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there. The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.