Whatās the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral?
Thereās one less drunk.
I learned how to time-travel tomorrow.
At least, that's what I will hope.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.
How did the cannabis propose?
Marriage you wanna?
My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to get married.
So I said "Sure" She asked "When?" "When I meet the right person"
I think Iām done buying trash bags.
I always end up throwing them away anyways.
Idk why marvel hasnāt tried to put advertisements on Hulk
He is basically a giant banner.
Major Tech Companies as People
AppleApple: That’s a smoothly operating older model you got there. Be a shame if someone… updated it…You: I already know what you’re going to do and I’m not falling for it.Your Attorney: I have to advise that you do what he says…GoogleGoogle: Looks around nervously You’re not gunna tell anyone right?Apple: Unzips pants No, no. No one’ll even notice.Google: slurping soundsYou: Really, in the middle of the street during rush hour?MicrosoftYou: Oh god, No! It can’t have already been a month!Microsoft: kicks your door down, punches you in the dick, and pisses on your keyboard. How’s the mrs?You: groaning Great.Microsoft: Spits directly into your mouth.You: Thank you.Microsoft: Sure thing… See you next build version. flips your tv over on the way out.SamsungSamsung: Here are some features you never even knew you wantedYour friend: Amazing!Phone: Slits your friend’s throat and laps up the blood.Samsung: Wow! Curveball! Go ahead and try yours. I mean, what are the odds that that’ll happen twice?You:…Samsung:…You: Presses power button Do we get vertical app switching back this year?
This cancer game is easy
i'm already on stage 4
3d printers can print guns now
Not impressed. Had a canon printer for years.
I saw a sign outside the gym that said “OPEN 24/7”
I thought, "How useless is that? July is ages away."
Johnny and Ruth are biking down a hill.
Ruth hits a tree. Johnny decides to continue on. Ruthlessly.
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some butt- hole wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he ……….added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" " Georgia , sir." the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Georgia ?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players down there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Georgia ." "No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
Whatās a group of chubby newborns called?
Heavy infantry
Birthdays are good for your health
Studies have proven that people who have more of them live longer.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, “Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one.”
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband and my life. I just want to go home." Poof! The brunette gets her wish, and she is returned to her family. The redhead says, "I've also been stuck here for years, and I wish I could go home, too." Poof! The redhead gets her wish, and she is returned to her family. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?" The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
No text found
Sadly, I’ve lost 20% of my sight
Sigh…..
What’s funnier than hearing a joke once?
Hearing it twice. What's funnier than hearing a joke once? Hearing it twice.
I really wish I knew who removed the jack from under the car I was working on.
The suspension is killing me.
Banks need to get better at restocking these ATMs
This is now the fifth one that has insufficient funds.
How does a computer science major pick up girls?
Oh shit thought this was google
A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver can’t stop staring at her.
So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, "I have a question I need to ask you but I don't want to offend you." The nun replies, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, "Well it's like this; I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me." The nun replies, "Ok well, let's see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though, firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, yes! I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun then says, "Ok then, pull into the next alley." The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry. The nun sees this and asks him, "My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?" The cab driver says, "You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you, I must confess that I'm married and I'm also Jewish." The nun laughs and says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
Words cannot express…
…how limited my vocabulary is.
Baby Yoda’s first word
Probably came after his second word.
People say Facebook knows more about us than we do
Facebook still thinks I have friends.
My astrology teacher asked me about my horoscope.
I said, "I'm not too fussy as long as it doesn't have ghosts in."
This morning I was beat up by a woman in an elevator.
I was staring at her tits, and she said, "Could you please press one." So I did.
What’s the difference between a pest and vermin?
Walt Disney.
A chemical warehouse was robbed at gunpoint, the assailants cleaned out all stores of substances with pH above 7.
"All your base are belong to us"
A beautiful woman is sitting next to a teenage boy on a plane.
There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nose dive. The Captain comes on the intercom and says āI hate to have to tell you this folks, but we might not walk away from this one.ā Everyone begins to panic except for the boy who sheepishly turns to the woman and says, āI hate to trouble you miss, but we might die and Iāve never kissed anyone.ā The woman is at first taken aback but after a moment realizes she might as well make the kid happy in their final moments. She passionately kisses him. The boy, elated, goes on, āSorry to bother you again after such a lovely kiss, but we might die and Iāve never felt a breast.ā Again the woman is taken aback but decides there is no harm in it and slides his hand under her shirt. After a good long feel, the boy again says āyouāve been so kind already but please, I donāt want to die never having gotten a blow job.ā Already committed to helping this boy have new experiences before they die, the woman smiles and begins to undo his belt. Just then the plane levels off. As everyone exits the plane they shake hands with the captain and congratulate him. The woman walks off the plain she says āthank you so much for saving us from certain death.ā The boy shouts ājust a little longer next time dad!ā
My girlfriend is like the coronavirus
I don't have the coronavirus
they say a watermelon is 99% water
but it's literally 50%
I just got hired at a company that makes bicycle wheels!!
Iām the spokesperson
After you die, what part of you body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate.
Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?
Something inside me says yes