Way too much ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
The FBI had an open position for an assassin
The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.
My girlfriend usually has peanut butter toast for breakfast, but this morning we were out of bread, and sheโs been grouchy all day.
I never knew she was lack-toast intolerant.
6:30 is my favourite time.
Hands down.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Thats what happens when you follow Dr. Trumpโs shady medical advice. You slightly croak.
https://ift.tt/3dralA7
I saw my nephew after a long time, and said โWow! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last!โ
He said, โNo. I still have two.โ
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason…
…details are sketchy.
Every Sunday I read the Times and complain to my kids about that orange haired narcissist dominating the paper by insulting and mocking everyone, especially those closest to him.
That Garfield needs to learn how to think about more than just himself and his next plate of lasagna.
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, โOf course.โ To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesnโt hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time. When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, โYou know, when I was your age, Iโd hit the ball right over that tree.โ With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started. โOf course,โ says the old man, โwhen I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.โ
Iโve lost my scapegoat.
I have nobody to blame but myself.
My nephew does well in marathons but poorly in the 100 yard dash…
He's better off in the long run.
What do you call a small mother ?
A minimum
Don’t belittle kids.
Be tall, it's much better.
I have peaked Dad Jokeness
[Just some context] Like my father, I sneeze loudly. I sneeze so loudly in fact, while walking my dog this morning, my wife heard me sneeze from 200m away, in our apartment. When I got home my wife greeted me, "Hello, Sneezer." I replied, devastated, "Et tu Brute?"
Why didn’t Obi-Wan forgive Darth Maul for killing his master?
He wasn't willing to let Qui-Gons be bygones.
What do you call a snake that cleans windows?
A vindow viper
The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven
St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is. The Pope: "I am the pope." St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book." The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth." St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me …" The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church …" St. Peter: "The Catholic church … Never heard of it … Wait, I'll check with the boss." St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God. St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth." God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of … Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus) Jesus: "Yes Dad, what's up?" God and St. Peter explain the situation. Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow." Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing. Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous
People in Athens hate getting up early
…because Dawn is tough on Greece.
Iโm thinking of throwing my theremin away…
I donโt even touch it
My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added some fruit and lemonade to it, and now she sangria than ever.
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off.
I said โ son, thatโs 3 schools this year… maybe teaching isnโt for you.โ
I just called the tinnitus hotline…
It wouldn't stop ringing!
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas!
Flying across the country in Air Force One, the president jokes with his staff.
โIโm thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy.โ A White House aide comments, โWhy donโt you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?โ Another staffer jokes, โWhy donโt you throw a hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy?โ A member of the plane staff, wanting to get in on the act, chimes in and says, โWhy donโt you throw yourself out the window and make half the country happy?โ
My daughter keeps complaining that I’m too nosy
Or at least that's what I read in her diary
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video…
He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.
I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God.
I've never seen one before, but I have faith.