We all do it
Qassem Soleimani is so popular today.
I mean he just blew up overnight.
What was Icarus’s favorite food?
Hot wings!
What did one nut say as he chased another nut?
I'm a cashew!
Haunted French Pancakes…
….really give me the crêpes.
I’ve just been diagnosed as color blind
It really came out of the purple
Dad joke warning ⚠
Knock, knock… Who's there? Cargo. Cargo who? Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep. I warned you.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I heard this guy whispering a lot of Pokemon jokes to his friend…
…but I couldn't catch them all.
Text exchange with my 70-yo father. He’s still got it.
Me: Heads up, you have a package arriving today with your name on it. You have permission to open it today 😉🎄 Him: Ok. Is the tree a hint or just a christmassy thing? I don’t need a tree🌲 Me: Just a christmassy thing. We didn’t send you a tree. Him: Great. I wouldn’t want to accuse you of tree, son 🤓 Me: Oooof Him: I was trying to branch out into political humor but it didn’t take root so I guess I’ll leaf it there Me: You don’t know when to quit, do you? Him: I wooden know about that
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard
Where do crayons go for vacation?
Colorado
I can’t believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I prefer to have my milk churned.
It’s butter that way.
Orion’s Belt, what a waist of space.
Terrible joke, only 3 stars.
I’ve squirted an entire bottle of No More Tears in my baby’s face… …
and she's still crying. Parenting is hard
Whats the difference between running in front of a car and running after a car?
When you run after the car, you get exhausted. If you run in front of it, you'll get tired.
Pink Panther’s To Do List
To Do To Do To Do To Do To Do To Do To Doooooooo
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
You can make jokes about anything, just not illegals
That's Crossing the Border
Right enough of these “2020 vision” jokes
I don’t want to make a spectacle of myself
Orion’s belt is a big waist of space.
Ok, it's not that funny, only a 3 star joke
Why did the plane get sent to his room?
For a bad altitude
I finally found a book that I was totally glued to.
It was a family album
What do you call a fat psychic?
A Four-chin teller.
What’s the difference between 4-layer toilet paper and a liberal arts major?
You don't find 4-layer toilet paper at McDonalds!
What color is the wind??
Blew!
What’s the difference between in-laws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
Having gay parents must be horrible
You either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"
I was really angry when I found out that my buddy Mark stole my dictionary.
I confronted him and said, “Mark, my words!”
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A tractor.
My Grandma is 96 years old and still doesn’t need glasses.
She drinks straight from the bottle.
Nvidia RTX 2080 Ti Owner’s reaction to the reveal of Nvidia RTX 3070 (Featuring Robert De Niro)
https://youtu.be/L9TXOp4TBOg
Why did the Swedish navy put barcodes on their ships
So they could Scandinavian
I came up with my own dad joke a few weeks ago
My 14 year old daughter got up from the table after eating a bowl of cereal, so I told her to put the milk away. Then we had this exchange: "Before you put that back in the fridge, why don't you plug it into the iPhone charger on the counter first?" "What? What are you talking about?" "Yeah, you gotta charge up that milk. It's only at one percent!" I say it so often now that my kids stopped eating cereal, and have pretty much cut dairy from their diets.
Nobody knew who the Iranian general was a few days ago…
He just kinda blew up
What do you call a row of bunnies walking backwards
A receding hareline
My grandpa just told me that he loves how reliable his fingers are and is really attached to them…
Says he has always been able to count on them.
