We all have that friend!! ππ₯€
I got fired from my job at a bank today
Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa…
The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad
The people from Stockholm in Sweden must really love it there
They never seem to leave
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says "Don't do it, man you'll never hear the end of it.
Who can drink two liters of gasoline?
Jerry can!
Never challenge death to a pillow fight
unless youβre ready to face the reaper cushions
My boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office.
I am on season 6 so far, but not sure what it has got to do with security.
A carrot and his wife are walking home from a party late at night and he gets hit by a car.
Mrs. Carrot takes him to the ER and after a day of surgery, the doctor steps out and says, "Mrs. Carrot, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, we saved your husband. The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."
How can you tell when a vampire’s sick ?
Because of the coffin.
Say βRise up lightsβ out loud.
Congratulations, you can now say razor blades in Australian.
I really need to cut my fingernails,
theyβre getting out of hand..
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter’s car seat with one hand and said, “How do one armed mothers do it?”
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised!
What did you learn at school today?
Not much. Apparently I need to go back tomorrow.
What happens after you eat aluminum?
You sheet metal
Some people have difficulties sleeping.
But I can do it with my eyes closed.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roaminβ catholic
What do you call a bear covered in strawberries
To be honest even I dont know u choose
I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
Zero fucks were given.
Why did the chicken use the crosswalk?
Because it was safer. (Credit to I-80 sign)
βHow many digits of pi do you know?β – βAll of them…
I just always forget the order!β