We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
…but his brother Frank was a monster.
We should hang out sometime.
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
I guess I wasn’t putting in enough shifts
He tells the genie "I am a simple man. All I wish for is to spend more time with my family, have a shorter commute and a case of Corona"
Through careful studying of the building plans and months of meticulous planning, he was able to evade all the security and stole several priceless paintings. He then loaded the paintings into his van parked nearby. Just as he was about to leave, he heard the alarm go off in the building. Without a moment's hesitation, he kicked the van into high gear and sped away. However, his van ran out of gas less than 5 minutes later, and he was caught and arrested by the police. "I don't understand", Said the police officer. "How could you plan all that so carefully, yet forget to fill up your gas tank?" To which the thief replied: "But monsieur! Zat is exactly why I stole ze paintings! I had no Monet, to buy Degas, to make ze Van Gogh!"
In the end I had to call it a day..
"How do you eat with that thing?"
The bartender says "How'd you do that?"
Hey bud, when do you open? 😆
To work on his pecks
…I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $299,999.75 though.
…they have those tiny anty bodies…
…the baker was known for his rye humor…
I always say, "No, thank you. I'm not interested. But thank you for considering me, good day."
After getting dating advice from a Redditor.
a cold shoulder
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
Of course you can! I just wanted to make you smile.
Great food, no atmosphere.
She responds: “see that man over there with no arms? Tell him to clap.” The kid replies: “but mom, I’m blind!” Mom: “Exactly.”
So you can Scandinavian.
Well sir, do you have any lumber jacking experience? Yes. I was part of an elite team of lumberjacks who worked on the largest lumberjacking project ever for nearly 3 years. Oh. You don't say? Where exactly was it you worked? The Sahara Forest in Africa, Sir. The Sahara Forest? Don't you mean the Sahara desert? Well sure, that's what they call it now.
A sigh borg!
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
To Do To Do To Do To Do To Do To Do To Doooooooo
Tell them it's almost over
Saw a couple today talking to their husky. Intelligent dog, don't get me wrong, but do they seriously think he understands everything he is told? I came home and told my cat all about it, we laughed our asses off!
They were originally made in Greece