We all know Albert Einstein was a genius… But his brother Frank was a monster.
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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society. After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple? "Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch".
I feel like a battery
because I am not included in anything 🙁
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance… never really wanted to" A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody standing around was laughing.. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12-gauge barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said; "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir… but…. I've always wanted to"
My wife lost weight and started seeing ghosts…
Now she’s a medium.
I just lost an ice cube in the kitchen.
But I'm not worried, its just water under the fridge.
A Drunk Man Stumbles Out of A Bar…
…and sees two priests walking across the street. He staggers towards the two priests and stops in front of them. He turns to the first priest and proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ!” The first priest shakes his head and replies, “No, son, you’re not.” He then turns to the second priest and says again, “I’m Jesus Christ!” Again, the second priest replies, “No, son, you’re not.” The drunk man finally says, “Follow me, I’ll prove it too you!” Curious, the two priests follow behind him as he walks back into the bar. Immediately upon entering, the bartender takes one look at the man and says, “Jesus Christ, you’re here again?!”
Why was the boxer in the furniture shop?
He was shopping for beddingdingding.
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
The best in town!
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.”
It was the final of the national poetry competition
There were two finalists – one from the most prestigious university in the country, the other a country bumpkin from out West. They were each given 20 seconds to compose a poem about Timbuktu. Up steps the university student and he goes: "On the lonely desert sands, Crossed a lonely caravan. Men on camels, Two by two. Destination, Timbuktu." The crowd went wild – amazing for 20 seconds. Then it's the country bumpkin's turn: "Tim and I Off hunting went. Found three girls In a pop up tent. They were three, And we were two So I bucked one And Tim buck two."
6:30 is my favourite time.
Hands down.
My doctor diagnosed me with severe lack of observation.
That came out of nowhere.
Son: “Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
… because Dawn is tough on Greece.
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has a pause at the end of its clause and one has claws at the end of its paws.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test…..we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car………
Joseph Stalin is giving a speech to his army.
When all of the sudden in the midst of a paticularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Stalin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?…" All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them start to sweat and others nervously glance around. After a brief moment Stalin motions towards a few soldiers with him on the stage. "Execute the first row…" he commands, and the soldiers on stage begin opening fire at the first row of troops on the ground. "I'll ask again, who sneezed?" says Stalin. Another pause, and no one speaks up. Finally Stalin says "Execute the…" but before he can finish, a soldier about 4 rows back raises his hand and says "It was me General Secretary Stalin! I'm the one who sneezed." Stalin then stares cold and hard at the soldier who spoke up for an uncomfortable amount of time, before he leans towards his microphone and says "Bless you."
My wife was just swapping out objects on the mantle, and my son asked why she was putting bamboo up there.
I told him she was decorating for Halloween, and they both just gave me a flat look. Then with a grin on my face I simply said bamBOO!! Much to my wife’s dismay my 6 year old has been repeating it for the last 20 minutes.
When I was in college, I was rejected by all fraternities because I was circumcised.
Apparently you needed to be a complete dick.
An Asian man and a Jewish man walk into a bar
The Chinese man goes: “Hi, my name is Joe Chan, what’s yours?” The Jew replies: “Michael Goldberg… Hey you know, I never did forget you Koreans for Pearl Harbor.” The Chinese man, surprised, replies: “Uhhh… Pearl Harbor was done by the Japanese, not Koreans, and I’m Chinese.” “Well.. Chinese, Japanese, Korean, what’s the difference?” “You know… I never did forgive you Jews for sinking the Titanic.” “Uhhh… but that was an iceberg.” “Greenberg, Goldberg, iceberg, what’s the difference?”
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar
Ahhh, those were the days.
What’s the fastest liquid on Earth?
Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
Why is “the mall” called “the mall?”
Because you don't just shop at one store, you shop at THEM-ALL
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people.
But none of them work.
A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.
The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4". The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4. Principal: What is 3+3? Boy: 6. Principal: 6+6. Boy: 12. The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed. Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2? Boy: Legs. Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have? Boy: Pockets. Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid? Boy: Coconut. Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky? The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge Boy: Bubble gum. Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do. Boy: Tent. The principal was looking restless. Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?. Boy: Wedding ring. Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good? Boy: Nose. Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver. Boy: Arrow. Principal: OH MY GOD. Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you have to use your hand? Boy: Fork. Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage? Boy: Surname. Principal: Ohooo! Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love? Boy: Heart. Principal: Eeeeeh! The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers…
Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.
A man phoned to find out whether he could get insurance if the nearby volcano erupted…
They assured him he would be covered…
What’s Batman’s favourite fruit?
Ba-na-na-na-na-na
Did you know that it’s wrong to breed eels with eagles?
It’s eel-eagle.
A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a rabbit walk into a bar.
There rabbit takes a look around the joint and says, "I'm beginning to think I'm a typo."
People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad.
But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.
I used to smoke weed and go to the class…
Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions. I was the best teacher ever.
They told me i wouldn’t be good at poetry because i’m dyslexic
But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.
So this guy walks into a library
He starts looking around, but after a couple minutes is empty handed At this point, the librarian came and asked, “Are you looking for anything in particular?” The man says, “Yeah, I’m looking for that new book about small penises” The librarian thinks for a second, then responds, “I don’t think it’s in yet” He nods back, “Yep, that’s the one”
Why did Jim Morrison cross the road?
To break on through to the other side
Anyone else remember this iconic moment?
Anyone else remember this iconic moment?
Why does listening to FM radio hurt?
Because Mega Hertz