We all know this was made by a boomer
A T-Rex walks into a vegan restaurant and is greeted by a girl who said she knew him.
He had never met herbivore.
NSFW – A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.What are you doing?” she exclaimed. The daughter replied, “I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents an
What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
Argentina is kind of cold this time of year…
In fact, itβs borderline Chile.
What did E.T.’s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Dad : βI need to call the doctor today.β Mom : βWhich doctor?β
Dad : βNo, the regular kind.β
A pretty good joke told to me by a coworker
One day little Billy approached Mr. Johnson's house and knocked on the door. After they exchanged a few pleasantries, little Billy asked Mr. Johnson, "Sir, I noticed ya got some milkweed growing in your backyard, mind if go back there and get some milk?" Amused by the request, Mr. Johnson replied, "Son, knock yourself out." knowing full well that he couldn't possibly get milk from milkweed. Sure enough, Billy came back to Mr. Johnson with 2 pails of milk. Little Billy thanked the now shocked and speechless Mr. Johnson and went on his way. The next day Billy knocked on Mr. Johnson's door again. "Afternoon Mr. Johnson, I noticed ya had some buttercups growing in your backyard, mind if I get some butter?" Curious this time around, Mr. Johnson replied, "Sure son, go right ahead." knowing full well he couldn't possibly get butter from a buttercup. Sure enough, Billy came back with 2 buckets of butter. Again, Billy thanked a now even more shocked and speechless Mr. Johnson and went on his way. The next day little Billy knocked on Mr. Johnson's door for a third time. Mr. Johnson, very intrigued by little Billy's strange requests eagerly greeted the young man. "How can I help you today son?" said Mr. Johnson. "Well sir, I noticed ya had some pussy willows growing in your backyar-" and before Billy could finish Mr. Johnson interrupted, "Hold on Billy! Let me go get my boots!"
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to get the picture of Jesus up and hanging
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas
She said, "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace!" So I bought her . . . nothing.
Whatβs the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb
As I handed my Dad his 50th Birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
βYou know, one would have been enoughβ
My teacher told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia
But so far Iβve made 3 vases and a jug so fuck you!
“OMG! There’s a wolf!”
"Where?" "No. Just the regular kind."
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
A Mississippi.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘let’s make this interesting’.
So we stopped playing chess.
My friend claims that he βaccidentallyβ glued himself to his autobiography, but I donβt believe him.
But thatβs his story, and heβs sticking to it.
I made a computer program read 100 jokes from this subreddit, then made it tell a joke based on those. Here’s what it said.
Why did you make me read the same thing 100 times?
My father always told me “If you are not the best, then you are piece of sh*t!”
I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.
Been chatting with this 14 year old girl. Real sexy and flirty. Things are going great, but now she tells me she’s an undercover cop.
How fucking cool is that for someone her age.
I diagnosed a man with wrinkled clothing today
He had an iron deficiency
When I was a single man, I had a lot of free time.
Now that I listen to full albums, I hardly leave the house.
At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little
βNervous.β Asked the interviewer. βNo, I always give 110%β
Three scientists in a car
So the three scientists, Heisenberg, SchrΓΆdinger, and Ohm are in a car on the highway. They get pulled over by a cop and the cop goes up to Heisenberg who is driving and asks βdo you know how fast you were going?β Heisenberg says, βno, but I know where I amβ. The cop replies βwell you were going 70 in a 35 zoneβ and Heisenberg says βgreat! Now Iβm lost!β Anyways, the cop is suspicious so asks to check the trunk of the car. He comes back and says βhey, you know thereβs a dead cat back there?β and SchrΓΆdinger replies βgreat! Youβve ruined the whole thing!β. So the cop is fed up, he pulls Heisenberg out and arrests him, and does the same with SchrΓΆdinger, but had a problem with Ohm because he resisted.
Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?
All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
My buddy drowned the other day
I placed a life jacket in his coffin It's what he would've wanted
At first, I thought my haircut was too short.
But then it grew on me.
Why did the guy with a lisp hit on the girl with the flu?
Because she was thicc
Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
To be frank
Iβll have to change my name.
My son said he coloured himself with a highlighter pen from the neck upwards during work today.
I think it's a bold-faced lie.