We all know where the Big Apple is…
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis
Edit: some of us don't spend our lives on r/jokes and as such don't realise things are reposts.
Why was Pavlov’s hair soft?
Because he conditioned it
I’m terrified of random letters
me: i'm terrified of random letters therapist: you are? me: [screams] therapist: oh i see me: [screaming intensifies]
My friend started making art out of marijuana…
It’s pretty dope
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Ah, this one got me good 😀
What did the authorities do when Barbie’s boyfriend was involved in a serious car accident?
They contacted his next of Ken. That's a damn good joke. I'm proud of that joke.
Doctor: You’re going to have to stop masturbating.
Me: Why? Doctor: Because it's distracting.
My math teacher put that on the first page of our workbook (still love the effort)
https://ift.tt/3dLSDGV
It all started with a bat. Then toilet paper. Now we’re going nuts in quarantine.
We really have gone bat, shit, crazy.
Teacher asks her class, “If there’s 14 crows on a fence and you shoot 2 off, how many are left?
" One little boy says, "None, the shotgun scared them all away." Teacher says, "That's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you're thinking." Boy says to teacher, "I have a question for you." "There's 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 is licking, 1 is sucking, 1 is biting. Which one is married?" Teacher answers (slightly embarrassed), "I imagine it's the one sucking." Boy says, "No, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way your thinking !"
Harry Potter has way too many characters…
Even J.K. Rolling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.
I’ve been saying “mucho” to my Spanish friend a lot more often lately
It means a lot to him
Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on all of their ships?
So when they come back to port, they can scandanavian
Little Boy: Daddy I want to be like president Trump when i grow up!
Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"
Why does the Dalai Llama go to Vegas so often?
He loves Tibet.
My wife told me im unable to describe my feelings
Can’t say that I‘m surprised
Why did the competitive fish eater sustain liver damage?
A: she would never accede a minnow fan! @SwiftOnSecurity
I went to buy 6 cans of Sprite
But I accidentally picked 7 up.
What does a house wear?
Address
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with
She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens
![[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/no_image_card-148-400x247.png)
[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
Why was mission control so tense when NASA launched a cow into orbit?
It was a high steaks mission.
What did the tailor give to the lawyer?
A lawsuit!!
When I was a single man, I had a lot of free time.
Now that I listen to full albums, I hardly leave the house.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention
We were better than The Cure.
What do you call an Elephant that doesn’t matter?
Irrelephant.
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
I went to the doctors recently. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?” He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”
How do you measure how heavy a red, hot chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.
During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says, "Jesus died for your scenes."
Why don’t people get up early in Athens?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
I just won an award for most secretive person in the office
I can't tell you how much it means to me
A man needs to hire someone to fix his broken fence.
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked. The monk replied "religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, but why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
What kind of STD’s do fish get?
Merm-aids
My wife left me because I’m too insecure and paranoid
Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.
