We all scream for ice cream
A telescope turned up in our lost and found box
We don’t know who it belongs to, but we’re looking into it.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.
"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said. "Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates," said Saint Peter. The second man reached into his pockets and pulled out a set of keys. They jingled as he shook them and he said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may also enter heaven." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. Saint Peter looked at the man, puzzled. "And just what do those symbolize?" he asked with a raised eyebrow. The man replied, "These are Carol's."
They should stock ATMs better…
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds…
My friends all claim that I’m the cheapest person they ever met.
I’m not buying it.
I sat my son down and said, “Look son, in life if you act like a pussy then you’ll never get any pussy”
My wife said, “Matthew, how dare you use that language in front of him?” I said, “Sorry dear, it won’t happen again” My son said, “I see what you mean Dad.”
The wife asked if she could wear one of my wife beaters today…
I was like "Yeah, knock yourself out".
Hermione’s son: Mum, you’re a witch!
Hermione: Emma Watson?
A man enters a pun contest
He sent in ten puns, hoping at least one would win, but sadly, no pun in ten did.
A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow: Mind if I say a word?” She says: “Please do.” The man clears his throat and says: “Bargain.”
The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a great deal."
TIL why Americans removed the letter U from the British spelling of words like humour and colour.
Because Fuck U, that's why.
I downloaded the music of the film Titanic
It's synching now
Robin: Did you name all of the products in the bathroom after yourself Batman?
Batman: Of course not. Robin: Batshampoo? Batman: Okay, yes there is that. Robin:……… Batman: But there is also Conditioner Gordon
I named my horse Mayo.
Mayo neighs.
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" The other says "No"
My door to door fruit delivery business failed terribly because of my horrible interpersonal skills.
I was driving people bananas.
What did the farmer say to the cows at night? 🐄
It’s pasture bedtime.
My wife: Honey, do you think our kids are spoiled?
Me: No, I think most of them smell that way.
Chewbacca crashed the Millenium Falcon the first time he flew it.
Wookiee mistake.
My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as an inspiration when naming our kids.
His sister Chewbacca is less thrilled.
When is a car not a car?
When it turns in-to a driveway
Kids in a class are learning how to use the word “definitely”
One girl says “the sky is definitely blue” that is wrong One boy says “the leaves are definitely green” that is wrong One boy asks “are farts lumpy?” The teacher says no, He says “then I definitely shit my pants”
If you rearrange all the letters of POSTMEN
You will get them VERY ANGRY
OH NO NO NO NO
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.
How does moses make his coffee
Hebrews it
There is this rumor about Apple buying off Reddit.
It's not me, iReddit somewhere.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 doors, they would be chicken sedans.
My wife asked me whether my friends and I experimented with drugs and sex when we were in high school.
I said, “Yes. But I was part of the control group.”
Found this one in the local paper and translated it
So an honest lawyer, a hard working politician and Santa are walking and they find a 100€ note on the ground. Who is going to pick it up? Santa because the first two don't exist.
I can speak time
It's my second language
Orion’s Belt, what a waist of space.
Terrible joke, only 3 stars.
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader.
Justice is best served cold
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
What do you call a Mexican midget?
Paragraph, cause he’s not a full essay
Why is Waldo’s shirt striped
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons tries to board an airplane…
The stewardess stops him and says "I'm sorry sir, you're only one carrion per passenger!"
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase
I said "Don't forget your Baghdad"
