We all scream for ice cream
We don’t know who it belongs to, but we’re looking into it.
"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said. "Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates," said Saint Peter. The second man reached into his pockets and pulled out a set of keys. They jingled as he shook them and he said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may also enter heaven." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. Saint Peter looked at the man, puzzled. "And just what do those symbolize?" he asked with a raised eyebrow. The man replied, "These are Carol's."
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds…
I’m not buying it.
I sat my son down and said, “Look son, in life if you act like a pussy then you’ll never get any pussy”
My wife said, “Matthew, how dare you use that language in front of him?” I said, “Sorry dear, it won’t happen again” My son said, “I see what you mean Dad.”
I was like "Yeah, knock yourself out".
Hermione: Emma Watson?
He sent in ten puns, hoping at least one would win, but sadly, no pun in ten did.
A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow: Mind if I say a word?” She says: “Please do.” The man clears his throat and says: “Bargain.”
The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a great deal."
Because Fuck U, that's why.
It's synching now
Batman: Of course not. Robin: Batshampoo? Batman: Okay, yes there is that. Robin:……… Batman: But there is also Conditioner Gordon
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" The other says "No"
My door to door fruit delivery business failed terribly because of my horrible interpersonal skills.
I was driving people bananas.
It’s pasture bedtime.
Me: No, I think most of them smell that way.
His sister Chewbacca is less thrilled.
When it turns in-to a driveway
One girl says “the sky is definitely blue” that is wrong One boy says “the leaves are definitely green” that is wrong One boy asks “are farts lumpy?” The teacher says no, He says “then I definitely shit my pants”
You will get them VERY ANGRY
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.
It's not me, iReddit somewhere.
Because if they had 4 doors, they would be chicken sedans.
My wife asked me whether my friends and I experimented with drugs and sex when we were in high school.
I said, “Yes. But I was part of the control group.”
So an honest lawyer, a hard working politician and Santa are walking and they find a 100€ note on the ground. Who is going to pick it up? Santa because the first two don't exist.
It's my second language
Terrible joke, only 3 stars.
A lip reader.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
Paragraph, cause he’s not a full essay
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted
The stewardess stops him and says "I'm sorry sir, you're only one carrion per passenger!"
We're telling them tomorrow.
I said "Don't forget your Baghdad"