We all win!
I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine…
The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had.
A dwarf walks into a
A dwarf walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass. The madam asks how she can help him. He says "I need a woman for mine has left me." The madam says "Whatever for? And what are the honeycomb and jackass for?" The dwarf says, "my wife found a genie that could grant her three wishes. For the first wish she asked for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this honeycomb, the second wish she asked for the nicest ass in all the land, so he gave her this Jackass. The madam then asks "what about the third wish?" "She asked the genie for my cock to hang down past my knee." "That's not so bad." "Not so bad?" Spluttered the dwarf "I used to be 6 foot 3!"
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home.
She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
My wife wants to have sex over the telephone.
The bed might be easier though.
I was watching porn with my girlfriend and she complained, “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.” “Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
I farted in Burger King
It was an absolute whopper
Did you know that it’s illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
How do you stop a fight between two blind men?
Just say you're rooting for the man with the knife.
My 7/yo sister said this at the dinner table while me and my dad were talking: What did one paper say to the other?
Nothing. Paper doesn't talk. That's how I want you to be. Like paper.
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a nickel-less cage.
“I used to be a Christian”
The girl said. The boy chuckled "that's fine what made you Convert?" The girl turned and said "I feel more like a Christina than a Christian"
I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11…
It was just a spare, I guess…
Why can’t a pirate ever finish the alphabet ?
Because they are always stuck at C. 🐟🦑🐙
The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
What do you call a dinosaur fart ?
A blast from the past
I want to go to Vegas next year
But I can't find any information about what happens there
Welfare Check:
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know…., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2019 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well … You started it."
A little girl goes into a pet shop and says ‘One wabbit pwease’
"Aww" says the shopkeeper "would you like the little brown bunny, the fuzzy white bunny, or this cute spotted fella here?" "I don't fink my pwython gives a fuck" the girl replies.
I just made sure my son inherits our bathroom scale after I die.
Because where there’s a will, there’s a weigh.
6:30 is the best time of day.
Hands down.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind it's tearable.
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
Today I had someone knock on my door asking for small donations towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water
My friend couldn’t afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
I was applying for Australian citizenship, the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
When does a car stop being a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
Why can’t pencils move?
Because they are stationery I am not sorry I will be glad if i make at least a few people smile
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. “Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".
People are like trees…
They fall when you hit them multiple times with an axe.
My friends always get mad at me when I steal their kitchen utensils
But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take
I’m a huge Star Wars fan and my wife wanted a divorce
So I handed her the divorce papers and said “may div orce be with you”
We were going to have chicken for supper, but ended up having rabbit.
It was a game changer.