just stole a tesla
now itâs called edison
A lumberjack was being cross-examined during a murder trial.
The defense lawyer, trying to discredit the lumberjack as a witness, asked him: "Is it true you were working at night? How can you be sure that it was a pine tree that fell on the victim?" The lumberjack replied confidently: "I know what I saw."
Did you know that a piranha can eat a kid down to the bone in 8 seconds…
anyways I lost my job at the aquarium today
Just walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.
Well, that was a trip down memory lane.
My wife gets me.
https://imgur.com/7qGI8AL
What do you call it when it’s raining turkeys?
Fowl weather.
A writer approached me today acting strange and asked me to help him find his back gardenâŚ
I think he's lost the plotâŚ
God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded
God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded So he sits down with St Peter and says âLook, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless theyâve had a really bad dayâ Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrives âHi sir, welcome to heaven, hey new rules… youâre not allowed in unless youâve had like a really bad dayâ The man doesnât pause before screaming: âBad day? A bad day! Let me tell you about my day. I have suspected my wife of cheating on me for a year now and I decided to come home at lunch and catch her in the act. So I go up to my apartment on the 10th floor and I nearly bust straight in. Anyway sheâs lying on the couch, naked and screaming at me! I canât find the guy anywhere, until I go outside on the balcony and thereâs this guy, naked, holding on to the balcony floor. And heâs screaming at me too! Well next thing I go into this rage… I just stomp on his hands and he falls the ten storeys. But at the bottom these branches break his fall, and he starts to get up! Heâs alive! So I grab the nearest thing, our fridge, and I haul it out onto the edge of the balcony and lever t over the railing, sending it right at him. I donât know what happened next though cause I gave myself a heart attack while doing it!â Peter nods âwow yeah that is rough. In ya comeâ. The next guy in line walks up, naked âHey so yeah, new rules, you have to have had a bad day to get inâ âWell let me tell ya. I was home sick from work and I just got out of the shower. Anyway I walked out onto my balcony of my fifteen floor apartment to get some fresh air. A gust of wind whipped my towel off and I reached out to grab it… but I ended up falling over the edge! Luckily I managed to turn mid-air and grab onto this balcony. So I am hanging there, screaming for someone to help me when this god damn mad man comes running out and starts stamping on my fingers! I then fall ten storeys, but Iâm saved! All these branches in these trees at the bottom slowly break my fall. I was just getting my bearings when I look up and a fridge is flying at my faceâ Peter nods… perplexed… âwow. Yeah. Okay. That sounds rough, in ya go… nextâ This other guy walks up, and Peter says âsame as the last two, youâve had to have had a bad day to get inâ The guy looks at him and goes âOkay. So imagine this. Youâre naked inside a fridgeâ
Whose design makes it look as though they reek of urine and egg farts? This cunts…
https://ift.tt/2wlcxbF
I probably made over 5 forms that were just front end and had no function whatsoever
https://ift.tt/2YsLYv4
The light bulb comes on for a very stable genius with a good brain, probably the best brain
https://ift.tt/2vQx8UT
Firefighters are worth their weight in gold.
Police officers are worth their weight in copper.
A Brazilian man in Mexico doesn’t know why the U.S. deported him there.
Can you imagine Hispanic?
I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $1000 to cover the loss.
I understand now why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.
What do you call a snobby criminal going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes…
"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
I went as a Dad Joke for Halloween.
Iron Man. https://imgur.com/a/3eNDlNZ
Blond and bodybuilder
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and the blonde says: "" What a big chest you have! " He says: "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" He takes off his pants. And the blonde says, "" What massive muscles do you have! " The bodybuilder says, "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" … Then he removes his underwear, and the blonde runs out of the apartment screaming. The bodybuilder quickly puts on his clothes and runs after her. He catches up with her and asks why she suddenly ran away from the apartment screaming. The blonde replies: "" I was scared to be so close to all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was. "
Which weighs more, a gallon of water, or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
What do you call a youtuber who’s also a werewolf?
Lycansubscribe
Magician: âFor this trick Iâm gonna dissapearâ
Magician: Looking at pear âYouâre ugly!â
If pronouncing my B’s as V’s makes me sound Russian
Then soviet.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high
She seemed surprised
Professor X to JK Rowling:
Professor X: "What's your power?" JK Rowling: "I can rewrite the past of fictional characters." Gay Professor X: "Interesting."
My friend said to me, âDo you want to hear a really good Batman impression?â I said, âGo on, then.â He shouted, âNOT THE KRYPTONITE!â
I said, âThatâs Superman.â He said, âThanks man, Iâve been practicing a lot.â
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it is cheaper.
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven….
1st Woman: Hi, Wanda! 2nd Woman: Hi Sylvia! Howâd you die? 1st Woman: I froze to death! 2nd Woman: How horrible! 1st Woman: It wasnât so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I can home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching tv. 1st Woman: So, what happened? 2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st Woman: Too bad you didnât check in the freezer…..weâd both still be alive! My father everyone! đ
I went to buy camouflage trousers the other day
But I couldnât see myself wearing any
Sweet dreams are made of cheese.
Who am I to diss a brie?
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
You know what really makes me smile?
Facial muscles.
Do you find out the secret of the whore?
First of all, itâs a long one and I am not a native speaker. Would be great if within the comments some native speakers might improve it so it is even better for the people to follow đ I will update the joke after some time! Thanks!! And now Letâs start! âââ JOKE STARTS HERE ââ- There is guy who had not had sex for a veeeeery long time. As he is single and some dates went against his expectations he wants to go to a brothel to have a nice time. He takes a cab and after a short ride and a grinning face of the cab driver he arrived at his destination. At the entry he is asked by the bawd what his preferences are. âNothing special. I just want to have a good time. Can you recommend someone or something?â âUhhh…there is someone really special now for few days in this location!â âWhats so special about her?â the guy asked quite interested. âSimple. She is giving you a blowjob and whilst doing this will sing a beautiful song!â âHow the fuck is this possible???â âNo idea. You have to try! Last floor. 3rd door!â The guy puts his money on the table and runs upstairs standing in front of the said door. Slowly opening there is a beautiful woman sitting in a room on her bed. The guy jumps in with a lot of anticipation immediately getting nude and asking the woman she shall start with what the bawd had told. The woman is looking at him smiling: âWow. Someone canât wait anymore. But first you have to play my rules!â âHuh!?!â, the guy replied bewildered. âThe rules are clear: You sit on my bed. Getting nude – thatâs what you already have done this time. I will shut down the lights, entering the bathroom enclosed to this room. Will come back after I have prepared few things and will start with the show!â âOk.â the guy responded confused, but yet willing to follow what she has said. And there it goes. Lights go out. She walks into the bathroom. Comes back. And the show starts with an oral explosion. And if this might be enough the woman sings the most beautiful version of âsomewhere over the rainbowsâ he ever heard. After 30 secs he cums grabbing the hairs of the woman. The woman stops. And asks the guy to just wait for a moment and puts the light on! The guy is just completely impressed and gets back home. Laying home in his bed he is still thinking about this awkward blowjob and tries to figure out how the fuck this woman can give the best and tightest blowjob he ever received, but yet is singing like a goddess. âHow the fuck is this possible?â, he thinks and swears to find out the next day paying attention to every detail. Next day. Next evening. The guy is standing in front of the bawd again. Throwing once again his money on the table and yelling âThe singing woman again!â. The bawd just grins and opens the door to the stairs. Last floor. Third door. The woman recognizes him and tells him he has to follow the rules! So he sits down on the bed getting nude. Light are turned off. The woman goes to the bathroom. Comes back in darkness and starts to blow and sing. The orgasm is awesome and the song is brilliant. Evening and adventure ends. So he is laying in his bed again at home and still has no fucking clue what happened. âTomorrow i will find out. There must be a rational solution to all of this!â And so he decides to visit the brothel ONE more time the next evening. The bawd laughs. âOnce again our special blowjob??â âYes!â. So he runs upstairs and he fucking swears to find out the secret today! The woman awaits him. And reminds him to follow the rules otherwise he will be kicked out with no cash back!! âI do!! I do!!!â So the lights been shut down. He sits in the bed and this time…instead of getting nude…he decides to turn on the light. So he triggers the switch. Enlightening the room. And as the guy inspects the room. He sees a glass eye on the night stand next to the bed.
I think the cashier likes me.
She was definitely checking me out.
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they're good at it
Someone told me my clothes looked gay this morning
I told them it was because they came out of the closet
My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen, and my girlfriend is pregnant…
…I can't pull anything out in time!
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.