We are all [synonym for socialists] on this blessed day
So a guy and his gf are making out
and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad. After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings. “Oh shit, I have an important package coming, I have to get the door. I can’t wipe this blood off my face fast enough!” said the guy. The gf tells him, “it’s ok, just tell the guy you were eating a jelly sandwich and didn’t have time to wipe your face.” So the guy goes and opens the door to sign the package from the mailman but notices the mailman staring at him awkwardly. “Oh this red stuff around my mouth is from my jelly sandwich, sorry about that.” says the guy. The mailman, slightly confused, says “Ohhhh… so is that peanut butter on your forehead?”
A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.
The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded. The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.” The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.” The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.” The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.” The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?” “Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier. “What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?” “No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli. So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?” “What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?
Girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But if I’m gonna have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 bird on a fence and you shoot 1
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left? Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun. Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think. Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 licking, 1 biting, and 1 sucking, which one is married? Teacher blushing, nervously answers “the one sucking.” Billy: The answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.
Joke
I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
Dad Joke of the Century
Operator: 911, what's your emergency? Dad: My wife's going into labor, and I don't know what to do. Operator: Is this her first born? Dad: No, this is her husband
What sort of lights to Noah use on the Ark?
Flood lights
Wife: I’m pregnant.
Husband: Hi pregnant, I'm dad. Wife: No you're not.
What do you call the sweat created from sex in Alabama?
Relative humidity.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 was a registered 6 offender
I ordered a chicken and egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
To get a girl, some guys use pick up lines. Others rely on the attraction of their car
So I figure a pick up truck should cover both bases
A wife shows her husband a picture and says, “The camera adds 10 pounds”…
The husband, bewildered, says, "Why would you eat a camera!?"
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put down.
Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.
Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers. Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.
A truck loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway
Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours
Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.
Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10. "Just don't tell Dad" she says. Hey, it's working thinks Little Johnny. An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: "Dad, I know everything." Dad gives Johnny $100. "Don't tell Mom" he says. Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. "I know everything, Mister." The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says: "Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug."
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week…
There was no coffin at his funeral!
Bill Clinton likes to go for a walk every Saturday evening…
One evening, he passed by an alley, and a prostitute yelled at him, "Fifty dollars will buy you a good time!" He responded by saying "How's about 5 dollars?", jokingly, and kept walking. This same thing kept happening every Saturday for a couple weeks; every time Bill passed the prostitute, she would offer him her services for fifty dollars, and he would decline and say he'd only pay five. One evening, however, Hillary asked if she could come along on the walk with him, and Bill reluctantly agreed, nervous about what Hillary would say if the prostitute yelled at him again. They went on the walk, and when they passed the alley, to Bill's surprise, the prostitute was silent, and they continued on their walk. As they were about to round the corner, however, they heard the prostitute's voice from behind them, "So that's what five dollars gets you, huh?"
An airplane is about to crash!
With only 5 parachutes on board. A Doctor says, “save the women”. A young mother says, “no save the children”. A lawyer says, “Fuck the children”. A priest asks, “do we have time”?
The invention of the shovel wasn’t good
it was groundbreaking
My son gets to play a frosted cinnamon biscuit in the school play!
It's a sweet role!
My grandpa (age 92) told me this joke.
"I'm getting so old that I can't remember what I had for breakfast this morning… And I have oatmeal every morning."
How do you measure a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, now.
What’s the last thing a Tickle-Me-Elmo gets before leaving the factory?
Two test tickles.
What kind of bait cannot be used for fishing?
The Answer Will Shock You!
Minecraft is Racist
Minecraft has taught me not to look tall black guys in the eye or they get aggressive. They're faster and stronger than you and they randomly steal things. However, you can escape by running to water–they can't swim.
Son: D-d-d
Dad: Aw, he is saying his first words. Son: D-dad, I'm fucking 30 and stop making fun of my stutter.
If you hit Dwayne Johnson’s ass
Does it mean you hit rock bottom
May the 4th be with you for today, but remember….
Tomorrow will be Revenge of the 5th
A kid asks his mom “Mom? What is dark Humor?”
She responds: “see that man over there with no arms? Tell him to clap.” The kid replies: “but mom, I’m blind!” Mom: “Exactly.”
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
What kind of drugs do ducks take?
quack cocaine
Saw a guy being beaten up by 4 dudes
I went to go help. He didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us. Edit: can someone explain all the letters?
Why do pirates love reddit?
Tis the best place to trade stolen content for gold 😉
Due to the quarantine
I’ll only be telling inside jokes
My kid asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
I said, “Usually to avoid answering questions like these.”