We are doomed
My friend couldn’t afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a โget well soonโ card.
My son told me he can’t go to school because he’s constipated
I think he's full of shit
A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah’s Witness are lost..
They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night. "I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner. The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door. "I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me." "No problem," says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. "There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings." "I will go then, friends," says the Jehovah's Witness, and he proceeds to the barn. A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.
Where did Noah keep a record of his bees?
In the ark hives
You shouldnโt put orange slices in your beer.
Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
My wife asked me if I want a handjob or regular sex
I : handjob definitely . She(surprised) : why is that? I : because one in the hand is worth two in the bush
I want to die like my grandpa did, in his sleep.
Not screaming like the people in the back seat of his car.
What is a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear Sir/Ma'am, We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons: Illegal Downloading
I’m a scientist doing research in bestiality.
Come by if you're interested in any details. I'll be in my lab.
A Mexican Magician tells audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says uno, dos….*poof*
He disappeared without a tres
Why does Peter Pan always fly?
Because he can neverland.
John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts..
A classic in honor of my cake day! John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now". He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so". "Fine", the wife sighs, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right". To which John replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Kenmore written on my forehead? I don"t think so". "Fine", she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break" "I'm not a carpenter and i don"t want to fix steps" he says, "does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so, I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!" So John goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey", he asks, "How did all this get fixed?" John's wife replied, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake". John asked, "So what kind of cake did you bake?" She replied, "hellooooo.. Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
My new welcome mat is made of hemp
Itโs a gateway rug
What do you say when you see a bad post on this subreddit?
What the Fork is this Bullshirt?
I’m really pleased that our band has just signed a Jamaican triangle player.
Now every little ting is gonna be all right!
I was warned not to steal kitchen utensils
But it's a whisk I am willing to take.
My pen stopped working, so I tried to make an eleven.
Apparently two ones donโt make it write.
I gave marijuana to a cow
The steaks were high, but it was worth it
I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didnโt think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.
Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.
Did you know?
When a short person waves at you, it's called a microwave
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
What’s the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber?
One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.
How does moses make his coffee
Hebrews it
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked โwhatโs upstairs?โ
I Just responded with โdad, stairs donโt talkโ
A new pilot has his first day in a real cockpit and he asks the pilot…
"Wow, there's so many buttons and switches. How do you remember what they all do?" The captain replies, "I don't, but for the love of God don't touch the dusty ones."
I’ve been playing Tetris a lot lately.
It was a bit difficult at first but now everything's falling into place.
My wife said to me she doesn’t understand cloning.
I said that makes 2 of us.
Where do cyclops’ party?
Eyebiza.
So many people these days are too judgemental.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.