Murphy’s Law states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But do you know what Cole’s Law is?
It's a side dish made from thinly sliced cabbage.
To the man who invented 0
Thanks for nothing
I never shower before church.
I like to sit in my own pew. Credit to my 7 year old granddaughter.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose
Why did the pacifist refuse to eat in the Italian Parliament’s cafeteria?
The cooks a-salted everything
How did Billy feel after he dropped his toothpaste?
Crestfallen.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
Otherwise it would be justwater.
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad
Is buttcheeks one word…
or should I spread them apart?
Why don’t blind people pick up their guide-dog’s poop?
Because they can't see shit.
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work.
How heavy is a red hot chili pepper
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
I think im addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.
I'm going to quit cold turkey.
Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular
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I never use pushpins at work so my boss called the police. Now I’m going to jail.
They’re charging me with tacks evasion.
Guys, I just broke up an attempted murder…
But to be fair, those crows shouldn't have been gathering in the middle of the road
Yoghurt
On the bus today, I tapped the woman in front of me on the shoulder, and said, "Excuse me, but there's some semen on your sweater." She said, "Oh, it's probably just yogurt…" I replied, "Maybe, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt."
A student came late in the class and the teacher wants to know why.
"You know, I woke up as usual, got to my horse and went to school. But I don't know why, my horse suddenly died in the middle of the town square. I had to walk rest of the way and that's why I am late." Teacher doesn't believe a single word, but there will be enough time to solve this problem after class. Then second late student came. "I am really sorry I came late. I overslept my alarm, but I got to my horse and galloped here as fast as I could. And suddenly in the middle of the town square my horse died, so I had to walk the rest of the way." Teacher doesn't believe this either. But before he can say anything a third late student appears in the class. "Let me guess. You wanted to came here on your horse, but it died. Am I right?" asks the teacher. "What? No. I went by tram as usual. But we were delayed, because on the town square are 2 dead horses lying in the track."
What did the gender-neutral gold miner say to their foreman?
“There’s gold in them/their hills.”
I once wanted to do biochem research… Turns out I didn’t pass the vibe check.
https://ift.tt/38nW58h
Why did the sun never go to college?
It already has thousands of degrees.
Doctor : Does it hurt?
Mother : Yes, a lot. Doctor : So are we vaccinating the baby, or should I slap you again?
My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.
He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe
Apparently someone in my town has been stealing the wheels off police cars
They’ve been working tirelessly to find him
This sub is really disappointing me lately.
I'm going to try the meatballs next time.
My friends asked me why I’ve mysteriously been hanging grapes outside to dry.
I told them, “I have my raisins.”
I know the whole truth.
At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"
Which part of the body is the last to die?
Pupils, coz they dilate.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it's cheaper.
Are you the enemy of my enemy?
Asking for a friend.