We are professionals
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe it.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
A sexy woman sits down next to a guy drinking alone at a bar
She whispers, "You look like you could use a little fun. For $100, I'll do anything you ask me to in three words or less." The man takes a drink of his beer, then takes out $100 and says, "Paint my house."
What do you get when Jason Momoa disappears?
Jason Nomoa!
What’s a flat tire’s favorite vegetable?
A spare, I guess
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra
You can never find the barcode
2020 Divided by 5 is 404, So the Whole Year is an Error.
And now we have a virus.
I got scammed into buying fake bamboo
That day, I was bamboozled.
Awhile ago my roomate moved out, i was cleaning his old room when I stumbled upon a fake mustache in a box under his bed, when i asked him about it he replied:
“You finally found it, my secret stache”
I got fired from my job at a bank today
Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?
It becomes egg sighted
What do you call a crowd-sourced internet database for turntables?
Wiki-Wiki-Wikipedia
A presidential aide says to Trump; “Sir, I had a dream about your parade yesterday night.”
"Was it yuge?" Trump asked, visibly interested. "Oh, yes," said the aide, "there were millions of cheering people turning out to celebrate all along the streets." "Was it tremendous? Trump asked, visibly excited. "Oh, yes," the aid replied; "You were in a huge carriage, flanked by all the members of your family and cabinet. They were also very proud and happy, particularly your wife." Trembling with excitement and rubbing his hands together, Trump questions the aide: "And tell me, was I looking good?" The aide replies: "I didn't know, sir. The casket was closed."
I saw a program billed as ” LeeAnn Rimes with Cher.
Then I thought to myself no, it doesn't.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.
"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
I believe that venison made from female deer should be classed as a form of bread.
After all, it's cooked doe.
My husband asked why I never blink during sex.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed.
One day I’ll pretend to be gay. I’ll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected…BAAM!!!
I'll have sex with their boyfriends
TIL eusocial insects of the family Formicidae NEVER get sick because…
…they have those tiny anty bodies…
What do you call Sad Island weather?
A Tropical Depression
Why was Pavlov’s beard so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
MLM guy doesnt realize that 10trillion isnt worth dick due to hyperinflation.
https://ift.tt/337k0Gk
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
They don’t know where home is.
What do you call a male Mummy with a cold?
I'm not sure either. Sir Cough I guess.
Two jumper cables walk into a bar
The bartender goes, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"
Due to the current economic situation in the world, I’ve started a dating site for chickens…
It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it to make hens meet…
