We are working from home
Why did the girl fall in the well?
She didn't see that well.
A man runs out of petrol
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window. "What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee. "I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. `"Try it now,'' said the bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow,'' the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank?'' "BP,'' answered the bee.
The NYPD Bragged About a Big Pot Bust. Turns Out It Seized 106 Pounds of Legal Hemp.
https://ift.tt/2NQdAEZ
Scientists have identified a food that completely kills sex drive in women.
It's called "wedding cake."
I want to tell you about a girl who only ate plants…
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I have had a Canon printer for years.
Having trouble understanding top heavy fractions?
Our helpline is open 24/7!
Click here to get rickrolled
You probably expected a rickroll, but NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
If there’s an emergency at your Game of Thrones viewing party
You should go to Daenerys exit.
I don’t understand Joaquin Phoenix
If Phoenixes can fly why is he Joaquin?
How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. Never split the party.
My family complains that I never talk during breakfast because I still read a newspaper.
You can say…. I’m behind The Times.
Sumida Aquarium eels are forgetting what humans look like and hiding from workers
https://ift.tt/2VXoHBe
My wife said if this post gets 2000 upvotes, she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on a business trip until Monday.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
They found the murderer of Captain Crunch.
It was a cereal killer.
My wife screamed in pain during labour
I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!” “I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
Have you heard about brooms?
It's the cleaning craze that's sweeping the nation!
As I handed my Dad his 47th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
"You know, one would have been enough."
What do you call a ginger kid who’s good at martial arts?
The Carroty Kid
I’ve got an advent calendar for Jehovah’s Witnesses…
Every time you open a door, someone tells you to fuck off.
Once long ago, a fisherman heard beautiful singing while he was alone a at sea.
He followed the enchanting voice till he came upon a singing yellowfin tuna. He knew he had found something incredible. He caught the fish, kept it alive and returned home. He showed his friends and posted videos on tik tok, and the singing fish went viral. It could sing almost anything, but Pavarotti was it's favorite. The fisherman toured around the world with the fish and set up a website to sell merch. The clothing he made sold like crazy, so he ordered thousands of short sleeve shirts to be made in advance. Unfortunately, the fish died, and the public lost interest. The fisherman was left with endless opera tuna tees.
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.
And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.
How do you turn Six into Nine?
Remove the S
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
News just in: Local police have acquired 1000 bees
They're believed to be used as part of a sting operation
I went to the grocery store.
The sign said "No food or drinks inside" So I went home.
A linguistic professor was giving a lecture.
" In English, a double negative becomes a positive. But it is not true for every language. In Russian, a double negative still remains a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative." Student – "yeah, right".
If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight..
There would be mass confusion.
Kids should not run with scissors
And lesbians should not scissor with the runs
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon
Cremation isn’t free
You have to urn it