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Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian!
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because sheâs always running away from the ball.
An English soldier is captured by the French and is sentenced to execution
Unfortunately for him, screaming âmercyâ at the top of his lungs only hastened the process.
In French we don’t say ‘ninety nine’…
..instead we say 'quatre-vingt dix neuf' which translates as 'we don't have a functional numerical system'
This new diet is working pretty well
I'm at my lowest weight of the year so far
I bought a new pair of gloves today…
…but they're both "lefts". Which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.
6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doc: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you! Woman: Oh god no, not my brother. He is an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doc: Denise. Woman: Well, that is not so bad. What did he call the boy? Doc: Denephew.
I saw a woman at the gas station pumping gas and trying to light a cigarette
I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire. The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire. Then they gave her a ticket! After they came inside I asked why they gave her a ticket. Turns out she didn't have a license for that firearm.
Arthur is 75 years old. Heâs played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. âThatâs it,â he tells his wife. âIâm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldnât see where it went.â
His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, âWhy donât you take my brother with you and give it one more try.â âThatâs no good,â sighs Arthur, âyour brother is 85. He canât help.â âHe may be 85,â says the wife, âbut his eyesight is perfect.â So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, âDid you see the ball?â âOf course I did!â Answers the brother-in-law. âI have perfect eyesight.â âWhere did it go?â Arthur asks. âI donât remember.â
I never liked myself with facial hair…
but since I stopped shaving this beard has been growing on me.
What do you say to your sister when sheâs crying
Are you having a crisis?
I hate people who watch street performances but never give the artists any money.
But then Iâm a mime, so I canât really talk.
I just bought two fish I called one one and the other two…
So then when one dies I'll still have two
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
You did, it was a vaccination and that’s why there’s no more smallpox anymore
https://ift.tt/2tvvNSa
How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one but itâs already been changed three times today.
Why can’t you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick. Source: my actual Dad.
The old lady fell in a deep hole in the ground.
She couldnât see that well.
My boss is like school in summertime..
No class.
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2. But the real question is, how did they get in there?
I saw a bunch of guys in black leather jackets crowded around under some trees
It seemed very shady.
Why do ducks make great detectives?
They always quack the case.
My credit card company sent me a camouflaged bull.
Itâs the hidden charges you have to watch out for.
A man is driving home from work when his wife calls him on his cell phone.
âPhil!â She shouts in panic, âPlease be careful! I just heard that some lunatic is driving the wrong way on the highway.â âYou wonât believe it, Doris,â he replies. âItâs not just one car; itâs hundreds of them!â
Iâm never again donating money to anyone collecting for a marathon.
They just take the money and run.
I found a hearing aid outside my garden gate.
When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me sir, is this yours?" The ignorant bastard just ignored me.
The wife is giving birth, but she was in severe pain.
"There's is an option," Said the doctor, "I had invented the machine that transfers the pain of the mother to its father, the only thing is that the pain will be 10 times more intense." The husband, being the man he was, told the doctor to do it. The doctor turned it up to 10%, the husband stood like nothing happened. Then the doctor raised it to 50%, the husband didn't even flinch a bit. "it's a wonder!" said the doctor, " do you feel any pain?" "not a bit," said the husband, "turn it to 100%" "Are you sure?" said the doctor:"you can die from such pain" The husband agreed and the pain meter got up to 100%, but he still felt nothing. When the couple got home, the mailman is dead on the front porch,
You hear a cancer joke and it makes you laugh…
… until you get it.
What did one French man say to the other French guy.
I donât know. I donât speak French.
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies." So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" He replies "I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel' a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin' him onywhar." The foreman is really pissed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. As he approaches the mound, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells⌠"SUPPLIES!"
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Yesterday I was so hungry I ate a clock
It was pretty time consuming
Rare photo of Melania Trump genuinely smiling. Taken at the roast of Donald Trump.
https://ift.tt/2XXbsk2
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, âWell, Sister, this looks pretty grim.â âI know, Father. In fact, I donât think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.â âI agree,â says the Father. âSister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?â âAnything, Father.â âI have never seen a womanâs breasts and I was wondering if I might see yoursâŚâ âWell, under the circumstances I donât see that it would do any harm.â The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. âSister, would you mind if I touched them?â She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. âFather, could I ask something of you?â âYes, Sister?â âI have never seen a manâs penis. Could I see yours?â âI suppose that would be OK,â the Priest replied lifting his robe. âOh Father, may I touch it?â The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. âSister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.â âIs that true Father?â âYes, it is, Sister.â âOh Father, thatâs wonderful⌠stick it in the camel and letâs get the hell out of here!â
