We can only hope
When I get naked in the bathroom
the shower gets turned on.
I told my kids that due to the quarantine…
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
“Mommy i want that balloon” = A baby that keeps pointing at balloons = Pointer 😂
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Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn’t alive?
Boy: A chair, hahaha, nice try gran- Grandpa- It’s your dog, he’s dead jimmy.
Whiteboards are remarkable.
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A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck
They end up on a deserted island. After a few weeks, the man is feeling very lonely and starts looking at the goat in a new light. One day he tries to have his way with it but the dog growls and scares him off. He goes to sleep unsatisfied. The next day he tries again, but the dog is there, growling and threatening to attack if the man gets too close to the goat. The man grows frustrated. One day, he sees a ship foundering off the coast. He is able to save someone from drowning. He gets them to shore and discovers it’s a beautiful woman. She comes to and says “Wow, you saved my life. I’ll do anything to thank you. Anything.” The man can’t believe his luck. He looks at her and his mind reels with the possibilities. “Would you mind holding this dog for a minute?”
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together. Man I sure am lucky !
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this
What should you do if you see a famous person at a water park?
Ask them for their watergraph.
There are two guys stealing iPhones around the town
They are most likely going to face time
Your essays should be like a girl’s skirt
Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack.
Those damn mooselimbs.
A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, “I would like to join this damn church.”
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." And with that said, the secretary leaves her desk and walks into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money." "I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
What happens when an atheist prays?..
The same thing that happens when a Christian does.
What is yellow, but tastes like red paint
Yellow paint
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Ladies, If your fella can’t appreciate a good fruit joke.
You need to let that mango.
My doctor said that my narcissistic tendencies cause me to misread social interactions.
But I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me
A Higgs-boson particle goes into a church.
The vicar says, "We don't want your sort in here!" The Higgs-boson particle says "But you can't have mass without me!"
Tutorial: How to gain 500 Coin on Reddit without upvote or luck!! SAFE METHOD
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I proposed to a mime today,
"Will you mirror me?" She was speechless.
To the two criminals that stole my calendar:
I hope you both get six months.
A horse walks into a bar.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?” The horse ponders for a minute and responds, “I don’t think I am.” And poof he disappears. This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, “ I think therefore I am.” But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
How do you catch a bra?
Well, first, you gotta set a boobie trap…
Amazing how Evangelicals and his supporters believe he should be the one we trust
https://ift.tt/2JvX7oj
Did you hear about the explosion at the Shoe Factory?
God rest their soles.
I walked up to a fit girl at a bar the other night and said,
"Hey gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?" She said, "Do you like sex?" I said, "Of course I like sex." She said, "Do you like to travel?" I said, "Yeah, I love to travel." She said, "Then fuck off."
