We care, but not really
Why do less marriages take place in winter
Because most of the brides get cold feet.
A mime was arrested in my town after getting into a bar fight and breaking his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
Its not hard
Do you speak Spanish?
A) No B) A little C) Señor
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain
To keep each udder dry
My dad suffers from short term memory loss…
I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it too.
Mr Ed just moved next door to me a few days ago.
We’re neighbors now.
I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
Did you see Trump’s speech last night?
Apparently Nancy Pelosi thought it was tearable.
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack.
Those damn mooselimbs.
The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train…
The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket
You can hide but you can't run
I went to visit a psychic,
I knocked on her front door and she yelled “Who is it”? So I left
Does anybody know if we can take showers yet?
Or should I just keep washing my hands?
I asked my friend if he knew a pachyderm famous for its trunk. He suggested Dumbo.
But that was Ear-Elephant.
I invented a new word
Plagiarism
Why do the Hong Kong police wake up early?
To beat the crowd.
Tried to grab the fog this morning
unfortunately, I mist.
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.
Uno, dos… poof. He disappeared without a tres.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again,
I've said it before.
Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day …
Give a man a poisoned fish, and you’ll feed him for a lifetime!
There was company that sold sex toys to aliens.
It was SpaceXXX.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant
A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says. The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he had thought he would get. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread. After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?" "No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."
In Avatar, Aang is 112 years old
Some call him "Boomer Aang"
Sumida Aquarium eels are forgetting what humans look like and hiding from workers
https://ift.tt/2VXoHBe
Eating a clock is very time consuming
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I heard this girl talking about how much she hates stalkers.
I nearly fell out of my tree.
A blacksmith finishes making a few horseshoes and leaves them on an anvil.
The blacksmith returns to the forge as a cowboy walks into the shop and picks one up only to put it back down immediately. "Hot ain't they?" the blacksmith asks. The cowboy replies, "Nope. It just don't take me too long to look at horseshoes."
Masturbation is like buying IKEA furniture.
At first, it sounds like a great idea. But then you're on your knees in the living room, with a mess on the carpet, wishing you'd have just paid someone.
A limbo champion walks into a bar
He is disqualified
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working, goodbye”
What a liar! I opened the fridge and it's working just fine.
I slept with a blind woman the other night. It went pretty well, mostly.
Once the clothes came off she said to me "You have the biggest dick I have ever laid my hands on" I said, "Stop pulling my leg."
I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore…
Definitely time for a new keyboard.
