We didn’t “flatten the curve” so much as we “suppressed the stupid”.
A guy came up to me and said, “Man your clothes are so gay”
I said, “I know, they came out of the closet this morning”
As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine.
Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.
I’m having a small get together for Tom Hiddleston’s birthday
It’s a Loki event.
Paratroopers from England, Scotland, France and the US were on a plane…
During World War II, four paratroopers each from England, Scotland, France and the US, were on a plane about to jump when they realized there was only one serviceable parachute. The French paratrooper downed a glass of cognac, said "Pour la France!" and jumped without the parachute. The American downed a glass of bourbon, said "For freedom!" and jumped without the parachute. The Scotsman downed a glass of whiskey, said "For Scotland!" and threw the Englishman.
I would stay away from the Soviet Union
There's a lot of red flags you need to watch out for.
Who do you call when you break your toe?
The Toe Truck (Tow Truck)
How do you get an old lady to say the f word?
You get another old lady to say “Bingo.”
Just started learning Java and I’ve found this masterpiece of a movie trailer.
https://ift.tt/3etceN5
[Long] They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Both very good friends of mine.
One day, Ving asks if I would do him a favour. I said, “Sure”. He asks me to drive him to the city hall after work. He says he wants to change his name to something more American. I agreed. So after work I'm driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and I see Ling is giving Ving the cold shoulder. Ving explains that his name has been passed down for generations, and Ling is furious that he would disrespect his ancestry by changing it. So then we get to the city hall and wait in line for a long time. Finally it's our turn and Ving tells me he has picked "Lee" as his American name. He steps up to the desk and starts filling out some paperwork, and the whole time Ling is scolding him about disrespecting their ancestry. Then it's time for Ving to sign his name and seal the deal, but suddenly his eyes well up with tears and he says that he can't do it. The lady at the desk says it’s ok, but Ving has to pay a small fee to cancel his request. Ling groans as she opens up her purse and starts sifting around for cash. Suddenly, out of nowhere, some Asian guy bursts through the town hall doors. "DAD!" Ling and Ving exclaim. He looked at them and cried, "Don't stop! Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling!"
What is a pirate’s average grade ?
Somewhere in the high c's.
Browsing an animal themed subreddit hopping for good vibs starterpack
Browsing an animal themed subreddit hopping for good vibs starterpack
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”
Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”
An engineer and a mathematician.
An engineer wakes up and realizes his bed is on fire. He spots a sink and a bucket, so he goes to the sink, fills the bucket, and douses the fire before going back to sleep. A mathematician wakes up to find his bed is on fire. He spots the sink and the bucket and then goes to sleep satisfied because he knows the solution exists.
Im at an Iranian military post
Edit: This post just blew up
If you ever find yourself at -273.15 Celsius,
just remember that you will still be 0K.
How do you console Thanos when he’s upset?
Bruh, Just Snap out if it
Why do teenagers always walk in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even
When Mozart was alive, he was composing. Now that he’s dead,
He's decomposing
Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.
While it's true, that's how I lost my job as a surgeon.
Old man and the prostitute [NSFW]
A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ years old man walking past. She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?" The old man said, "but I won't be able to…" Prostitute: "c'mon man…. give it a try… " Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his 8 incher and fucks the daylights out of her for 30 minutes. When he's done, the prostitute all exhausted and tired says, "but you said you won't be able to…." "…pay you" replied the old man.
Once I was in a band called teenage bed
We never made it.
What kind of school do belly buttons go to?
Navel academies.
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
What do you call a mute bodyguard?
A silent knight.
My mailman got a sex change.
I guess you'd call him a post man now.
I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.
Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.
What does “kayak” sound like upside down?
"Blblblblblvllgllgl"
I took the rear view mirror out of my car
i haven't looked back since
What did the Roman fighter say about his cannibalism?
He was gladiator.