We don’t do that here…
I drank some food coloring and I dyed a little inside.
No text found
I showed up at the weekly Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting…
…but all the seats were already taken.
I’m annoyed because I had to work at the museum tonight moving suits of armour.
I hate knight shifts.
Storm Ciara
I just asked Siri "surely it's still not going to be stormy tomorrow?" Siri replied, "yes it will be and don't call me Shirley" Realised my phone was in Airplane mode
A woman reported one of her coworkers for sexual harassment because he said he liked the way her hair smelled. The HR rep said that it wasn’t sexual harassment.
The woman replied, "But it was the midget".
Why is masturbation just like procrastination?
It’s all good until you realize you’re only screwing yourself.
A lumberjack was being cross-examined during a murder trial.
The defense lawyer, trying to discredit the lumberjack as a witness, asked him: "Is it true you were working at night? How can you be sure that it was a pine tree that fell on the victim?" The lumberjack replied confidently: "I know what I saw."
I went to Legoland last week
People were lined up for blocks
Why did Sally fall off the swing
She didn’t have any arms; Knock Knock; Who’s there ; Not Sally
This is going to be the first year that I haven’t taken a vacation in Paris, because of the pandemic.
Usually it is due to lack of money
“Hey dad. Have you seen my sunglasses?”
“I don’t know. Have you seen my dad glasses?”
As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself…
"Maybe a career as a tour guide isn't right for me?"
Weinstein didn’t kill himself
Sorry just practicing
I really need to cut my fingernails,
they’re getting out of hand..
Never challenge death to a pillow fight
unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions
I’m a proud anti-vaxx mother of five children!
Edit: four children Second edit: 2 children!
What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drinker
Why is an executioner a terrible high-fiver?
He always leaves you hanging
A man goes to a bank and asks to deposit $5,000 into his account.
The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000. The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500. As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day. The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.” The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?” The man says, “Here, I bet $50 you have a birthmark on your ass.” The banker says no, but the man wants proof. The banker pulls down his pants and shows him that there is no birthmark, but the man is still smiling. The banker asks why. The man says, “Because I bet each person in the building $50,000 that I could get you to pull down your pants.”
This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be “friends with benefits”.
Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?
Mothers have Mothers day, father’s have Father’s day, couples have Valentine’s day
and I have Palm Sunday.
You shuold be be able to edit titles
Edit: should
Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died! Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion.. Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..
Working at an unemployment office must be so tense.
Even if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.
My friend received some land to build on…
He said, "Thanks, a lot".
What keeps ants from getting coronavirus?
It's their little anty bodies.
I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. ‘Do you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?’
‘Because we don’t need depth perception with our mouths ‘ was his technically correct answer
No interest
Sitting here staring at a post on one of the other pages on reddit for like 2mins, not realizing I was not paying attention nor i was actually reading the post because I was high on weed.
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi. EDIT: Wow this blew up
What kind of music do accountants listen to?
Debt metal