wE dOnT hAvE pRoBLeM wiTh LEGAL iMmiGrAnTs!
A gang of cutlery users have turned every silent K in the world into an audible K.
Those kniving bastards.
My favourite sex position is called βWOWβ
Itβs where I flip your MOM over
Stephen King has a son named Joe
Iβm not joking, but he is.
I have a scary joke about math, but I’m 2Β² to say it.
No text found
I just started my own business where we weigh tiny objects.
Itβs a small scale operation.
French people donβt masturbate
They jacques off
To be quite honest, I’m not liking this sub at all…
I should have gone to Wendy's instead.
What did the mod say to the redditor?
[removed]
You know what really makes me smile?
Facial muscles.
My kids ask me why I always knock on the refrigerator door before I open it.
I say, "Because there may be a salad dressing."
What is Yodaβs preferred seat on an aeroplane?
Next to a Windu.
Why was Pavlov’s hair soft?
Because he conditioned it
Two guys go moose hunting…..
A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario. He tells them that heβll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane wonβt be able to take off with more than one moose. The next week he returns, and sure enough the hunters have bagged two moose. The pilot tells them thereβs no way they can take off with the two moose. Ted says, βI donβt know, the pilot last year took off with two moose.β To which Bob adds, βYeah, but maybe he wasnβt a total pussy!β Not wanting to be outdone, the pilot loads up everything and they start to move down the lake. The plane is gathering speed, but the pines on the shore are rapidly approaching. Finally the plane gets airborne, but one wing clips the top of a tree. The plane spins, crashes into the trees, and breaks apart. Sometime later Ted regains consciousness and begins searching for his buddy. He finds him, and when he wakes him up Bob asks, βDo you have any idea where we are?β Ted replies, βI think about 200 yards further than last year.β
I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam show I have ever seen.
What do you do if you break your leg in two places?
Never, EVER go back to those two places.
The doc came in and let me know he was here to deliver our baby
I told him that we would prefer if the baby kept its liver.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, because men can be feminists too.
Why didn’t Joe Exotic ever release any Christmas songs?
Because he fucking hates Carols.
What do you call it when a midget gives head?
A below job
Do you know why Superman is the king of all thieves?
It's because he is the man of steel. One of my students told me he made this up and I couldn't be more proud.
Got this from my grandmother today, even had the forwarded remark on Whatsapp
https://ift.tt/2y0m0Wh
Comedian doing crowd work gets an answer he wasn’t ready for and handles it perfectly
https://youtu.be/rV8XhzG_rAg
A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.
He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her. "How much for a hand-job?" "$5,000" she replies. "$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way." "Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. "You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me $5,000 for hand jobs." He ponders for a moment. "Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright." He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. "Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?" "$15,000" she replies. "$15,000?!? You are out of your mind. No way!" He shouts "Come to the window." They walk to the window and she begins to point. "You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me $15,000 for blow jobs." "Fine, how can i say no?" Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. "Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?" "Come to the window." He follows her to the window, ready for anything. "Do you see all of Las Vegas?" She asks. "No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!" He exclaims, astounded. "No.." she looks down. " But I would if I had a pussy…"
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do…he's in too far."
Out here in Virginia protecting my potatoes just like President Trump said π₯π₯π₯
https://ift.tt/2XkWCUf
Little Johnny
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied. The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself.
“Gosh darn I hate those ungrateful and improper Billie Eilish-loving VSCO girls”
https://ift.tt/2NlQlCF
I saw my son reading Fahrenheit 451, and I asked him whether he liked it.
He said, βIts pretty lit.β
I saw an advert that read “Radio for sale, $1.00, volume stuck of full”
I thought, "I can't turn that down"
A saw a man with the hood on his coat jumping up and down
A saw a man with the hood on his coat jumping up and down. People were going crazy, throwing money at it. I asked him if he makes a living like that, he said, "Yes, it's my livelihood."
I was going down on my girlfriend
Then I said 'Geez you got a big pussy! Geez you got a big pussy!' She said 'why did you say it twice?' and I said 'I didn't'".
If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, ….
He will be rolling in his grave.
I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.
It's my thirty-second birthday. Edit: Wow. Down voted on my actual 32nd birthday. So cruel.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?”
The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"