We fucking get it, Mike.
A kid asks his mom, “How was I born?”
The mother replies, "Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. After a while the plant had a sweet aromatic bud. We took the bud and smoked them and then we got so high that we fucked without a condom. And that's how you were born."
I’ve just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden and I’m thinking…
"Who's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O'Furniture
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Day 2 of wfh and things are getting pretty weird. The guy I’m supposed to pair with gets pretty annoyed if I don’t pay him attention, but most of what he says about my code is unintelligible. He also seems to never get past the login screen on his computer. I don’t think he’s getting any work done.
https://ift.tt/2wQK9Oq
Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2015 we ate over 74 million bananas and only 6 monkeys.
How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?
It's not hard
What keeps ants from getting coronavirus?
It's their little anty bodies.
I was pissed off at my buddy Mark who borrowed my dictionary and refuses to return it.
I said, βMark, my words!β
An atheist is hiking in the woods…
So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terrorοΌβ Oh GodοΌhelp me!!!β SuddenlyοΌeverything–the bearοΌthe treesοΌthe birdsοΌeverything but the man–freezes. The man sees the clouds part as a deep heavenly voice reaches his ears. βSoοΌall your lifeοΌYou deny My existenceοΌyet now you call for My aid now that death is upon you? I am sorryοΌMy sonοΌbut it is too late.β The atheist thinks quickly. βWellοΌGodοΌif it is too late for me to become a ChristianοΌhow about you just convert the bear?β Time begins moving againοΌand the bear immediately stops its roaringοΌkneels quietly and respectfullyοΌand begins speaking. βO LordοΌbless this meal in which I am about to partake…β
If I had a dime for every time I didn’t understand what’s going on,
I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
Why did the slave go to college?
So he could pickup his Master's degree.
I donβt understand Joaquin Phoenix
If Phoenixes can fly why is he Joaquin?
A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act.
"You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket" But, officer, I didn't catch these — they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket. "Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go." The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens. Game warden: So where are the fish? Fisherman: What fish?
Puns make me numb
Math puns make me number
here’s my best COVID-19 joke:
for the first time ever, I'm hoping you all say "I didn't get it"
What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meowntain
Today I saw an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
A friend of mine has just got a job as a director at Macdonalds farm.
He's been made the CIEIO
Why are IRS employees always tired when they get home?
Their jobs are taxing.
A Priest, an Imam, and a Rabbit walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "I think there's a typo hare".
Asking relevant questions in class leads to 30 minute anecdotes about his personal life
https://ift.tt/2Bv17Rq
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle
Who is Stan?
And how did he get so many countries named after him?
As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced “Ladies and Gentlemen don’t forget to adjust your watches to local time”
I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
Don’t throw a snake like a boomerang.
It'll come back to bite you.
“Several years ago, you could smoke in bars”
"Dad, what is a bar?" … "Dad, are you crying?"
Whatβs the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can learn to roast beef.
I downloaded all the music to the movie Titanic.
It's syncing now.
It’s absurd to compare Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler
Hitler volunteered for the army.
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.
I take that as a compliment.
A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully." Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?" God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone" The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought…"