We have to deliver it asap…
Welcome to invisibility class.
I’m pretty disappointed to see so many of you.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Guys who try to pick up girls through Reddit are pathetic
Ladies if you agree with me message me your number and we can discuss it more. Maybe over dinner or a movie or something.
Took my mother-in-law out last night.
Loving my new sniper rifle.
Why is dark spelled with a k and not with a c?
Because you can’t see in the dark
I’m trying to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but I’m having a lot of trouble.
Good players are hard to find.
Did you know that One Direction went for a haircut together?
Now they have the same Harry Styles.
My girlfriend threw some Omega 3 capsules at me today…
It’s okay though, I only have super fish oil injuries.
My coworker Jim sits next to another coworker, Collin. One day, Jim replaced the nametag on his cubicle to also say Collin
I asked him, "Jim, your name isn't Collin. What's going on?" He replied, "We're trying to Collin-ize the area." (True story)
My ex-wife still misses me.
But her aim is steadily improving.
Communist jokes aren’t funny
Unless everyone gets it
Had sex with my girlfriend a couple days ago..
My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago. She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt". I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.
Spoiler alert:
It makes the trunk of the car look better
Burnt my hawaiian pizza last night.
Should have put the oven on aloha setting!
I’m not an alcoholic. In fact, there’s only three times I ever drink.
Before work, during work, and after work.
A man walks into a saloon
…he takes off his hat and throws it in an arc. Six men lose their hats. Everyone is impressed, they yell out: "Wow! What's your name?" "They call me Hat-Bill." Another man walks in, grabs his gun and fires off six rounds. Six men lose their hats. The crowd yells out: "Wow! What's your name?" "They call me Gun-Bill." A third man walks in. He has six arms. In a flash, he grabs the hats off the heads of six men. Everyone is speechless. Finally, one guy yells: "Wow! What's your name?" "They call me… …Chernobyl."
A young artist exhibits his work for the first time…
… and a well known art critic is in attendance. The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?" "Yes, " says the artist. "It's worthless," says the critic The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."
Her: “Undress me with your words.”
Him: "There's a spider in your bra."
I’ve opened up a restaurant called “Karma”
There is no menu, you get what you deserve.
Three Logicians Walk Into a Bar
The Bartender asks, "would everybody like a drink?" The first logician says "I don't know." The second logician says "I don't know." The third logician says "Yes."
Why do pirates love reddit?
Tis the best place to trade stolen content for gold 😉
What makes gays and lawyers happy?
New mandates
I went to the zoo yesterday and I saw a piece of toast in a cage.
When I asked the keeper why, he said, "It was bread in captivity!"
I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it’s shell…
It only made it more sluggish.
I sprayed Windex on a spotted lantern fly today.
He died. It was a clean kill.
I quit my job as a postman the first day right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
Studies show that 4 out of 5 men suffer from diarrhea at some point in their life.
Why are 1 out of 5 men enjoying it?