We have to deliver it asap…
A guy bursts into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear.
The doctor takes one look at him and says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”
A black boy walks into the kitchen…
…where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”
“Is that your dog?”
No,actually it is adopted. My wife and I were unable to conceive a dog naturally.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once…
… I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
A dog sleepwalks into a bar . . .
He tells the bartender “ZZZ I’m a cat ZZZ I’m a cat”. The bartender says “Yes sir you are.” The sleepwalking dog leaves and a patron says “Why did you agree with him? That dog’s not a cat!!” The bartender replies, “Sometimes you gotta let sleeping dogs lie.”
Saw this on my way home from work. Must be a one shoed sex worker out there somewhere.
https://ift.tt/2PzOg8J
NSFW can you give someone a skin graft from your butt?
Ass skin for a friend
One friend of mine is LITERALLY a legend…
He always helps me with maps and diagrams, pointing out all the little symbols and what they mean.
Two men are discussing a business transaction.
Buyer: "How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?" Seller: "You mean a choir?" Buyer: *visibly frustrated* "Fine, how much does it cost to acquire a singing ensemble?"
Daddy, what is clickbait?
No text found
A chemical warehouse was robbed at gunpoint, the assailants cleaned out all stores of substances with pH above 7.
"All your base are belong to us"
What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?
Skele tons! Stay spooky my dudes
I was not ready.
(Walmart, son, stranger interaction.) Son: hi, I got a haircut. Stranger: looks like you got more than just one. Son: (silence) Me: bent over losing it
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school…
Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
Remains to be seen!
How does Winnie the Pooh eat his honey?
With his bear hands
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer.
Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
Why did the banana put on make-up?
To look more ap-peel-ing!
What do storm troopers and churches have in common?
Pew-Pew-Pew-Pew-Pew
knock knock
who's there? The electrician to fix your doorbell
My neighbor and I are good friends. So we thought we share our water supply.
We got a long well.
What is a gay banker’s favorite Christmas movie?
Homo Loan 2
I woke up this morning and found that someone has dumped a bunch of celery on my front porch.
I think I’m being stalked.
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
If 6ix9ine serves his 47 years…
he’ll be the first mumble rapper to finish a sentence
9/11 Jokes aren’t funny.
But the other 2 are.
If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted
I wish I had a pony.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me.
Murphy’s Law states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But do you know what Cole’s Law is?
It's a side dish made from thinly sliced cabbage.
I think I’m going to kill off the main character in my new book
I hope it will spice up this autobiography a little
So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup" "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…". "Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go", the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute. I think I can save you $10,000".
I can’t believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Kissing half a billion dollars goodbye… Bloomberg’s worst return on an investment
https://ift.tt/2ToqSMU